exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

introduction

The church is so subnormal that if it ever became normal, it would seem abnormal, I once heard someone say. We have become such a house of dysfunctional behavior that most of us don’t even know how it should be. And when the Bible describes communication, or conflict resolution, or loving relationships, it is so far from our experience that it doesn’t even occur to us to actually abide by what is written there.

For the most part, we can only imagine things that we have actually seen before. If we have never seen it, we can’t imagine it very well. If we grew up watching others do certain things, we think that what they do is normal, and we tend to copy what we see. That’s how dysfunctional families survive, no matter how odd or dangerous the behavior might be. You grew up with it, so you imagine that it is perfectly normal. We think everyone else must be like this, too.

Rather than follow biblical advice on healthy relationships, we make up our own set of rules, based on what we have seen around us. These I call myths of the modern church. Some of these myths consist of advice that is actually given by well-meaning Christians; other myths simply describe what we often do, though we might not consciously or verbally explain it that way. But if we have been doing those wrong things long enough, we will have much work to do, trying to unlearn bad habits and re-learn right ones.

The Bible says much about relationships. In fact, the church is made up of relationships. The Bible calls the church a household (of faith), a body (of Christ), a temple (of the Holy Spirit), a house (of prayer), a bride (of Christ), and a called-out assembly (called out from the world). You can’t study the church without studying how to do relationships. God has a high estimate of the church: pure and holy, without spot or wrinkle or any blemish. And, God has high standards for the relationships in the church: unity, love, forgiveness, acceptance and like-mindedness.

We may have what we think are healthy relationships, but in reality we may be badly dysfunctional. Yet, we might not know any better, because we have believed the common myths of the modern church instead of measuring our relationships by biblical standards. Healthy relationships may seem like a myth, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

With all that said, we are overdue being called back to biblical standards for the church. This book is a call to the church to stop looking to ourselves for the answers on how to do relationships right. When we compare ourselves to ourselves, we are not wise, as Paul said. Rather, it is a call to do relationships the way God told us to do them. If the Lord gave us the instructions, it must be possible! So, let’s put ourselves to the task and see what the Bible has to say about healthy relationships and other myths of the modern church.

It’s all about relationships. Really, no matter the organization, whether a mega-church or a house church, whether a Christian family or a secular business, ultimately all we really have is relationships. You might define the church as nothing more or less than Christians in relationship with one another. And we must learn to do relationships right.

You know, it won’t matter that we are teaching truth if we don’t love one another practically and consistently. No one will care about our doctrine if they can’t see it being lived out. May the Lord use these guidelines to help us think rightly about how we love one another.

Our relationships are of crucial importance, for the sake of the glory of God and of our witness to the outside world. Frankly, if the church cannot learn how to get along well, there is no hope for the world. Everyone in the church agrees that unity and love are essential, but there are many concepts of how that looks when it is lived out.