exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

13|blessing

 The Lord has placed before us both life and death, both blessing and curse, with the advice that we choose life. But I’m afraid to say that the modern church is sick—in fact, it is in critical condition—and does not know it. God has told us that the tongue has the power of life and death, and that those who love it will eat its fruit. On the other hand, he says that if we keep biting and devouring one another, watch out or we will be destroyed by one another.

We are so critical so much of the time. Both publicly and especially in private, we are critical of one another, of our assemblies and programs and ministerial staff, of faults and flaws, of decisions and buildings. Criticism seems to be so much a part of our nature (fleshly though it is) that we can’t even recognize that we are being critical. So are we in critical condition? Yes, we are critical.

But God also placed blessing and life as the better choice before us. Life is in the tongue, as well as death, and those believers who have found the joy of blessing with their tongues (and in their hearts, for the mouth can only speak what it in the heart) and they are reaping life-giving health and peace through their words. Let us learn the value of blessing with our words.

MYTH #23: What the church needs is to have less gossip and slander. If you can’t say something nice about someone, then don’t say anything at all.

Maybe you heard this same cliché when you were growing up. It is great advice, and it would save the church from many troubles. But perhaps even better advice is this: “Little children, love one another.”

TRUTH: What the church needs first is love. If we have that, we will bless one another rather than curse.

There is a deeper problem to address before we try to tame our tongues, because the Bible tells us that no one in fact can tame the tongue. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. With our tongue we bless our God, and then with the same tongue we curse our brother. These things ought not to be, says James. You can’t get fresh water and bitter water from the same well. So it is good to control our tongues, and Jesus said we would be judged for every idle word we speak. But it is far better to control our hearts. For the truth is, no one can tame the tongue without having tamed the heart.

None of the principles advocated here will work without an overriding atmosphere of love. The world knows that we are the disciples of Jesus not based on our doctrine or our polity, but on our love. It is nearly impossible to support someone you dislike behind his or her back, but comparatively easy to support someone you love. If you were to come to me with a complaint about a member of my family, you would not get a sympathetic ear. I know that my wife and my children are not perfect, but I love them and would not tolerate slanderous talk.

Every opportunity for slanderous talk is actually a chance to bless someone with our mouths. Instead of bringing a brother or sister down a notch in the eyes of someone else, we can lift them up.

 blessing with our words

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:29-31)

There is great power in words. The power of words can heal and bring hope,[i] or it can squash and destroy someone.[ii] Proverbs says that the tongue has the power to give or to take life.[iii] That’s mighty powerful! Indeed, we can hurt someone for the rest of their lives by the things we say.

Children sure can say some hurtful things. Sometimes, so can parents. Most of us probably have some deep-seated memories of hurtful things said by people we should have been able to trust when we were children. I remember some incidents when I was about eleven years old that have affected my self-image for my entire life. I’m guessing that you do, too.

James says that it is not natural for both fresh water and bitter water to come from the same spring. But it seems to be all too natural for our tongues to bless someone in one moment, and then turn around and curse someone in the next.[iv] Of course, sometimes we bless and curse the same person. But more often, what I see is that we sidle up to Bob while talking with him, but put down Barney, because he isn’t there to hear it. But to Barney’s face, we only say positive things. As James would say, “Brethren, these things ought not be so.”

What if every Christian took this challenge: Purpose to speak ONLY words of blessing for one week. That means no gossip about another person. It means no sarcastic, critical remarks about our children when talking with other parents. It means no insulting, critical things said about teachers. It means that we will only say what is useful for encouraging and building up others.[v]

In Ecclesiastes is one of the most unusual little sayings. It has slipped into common usage as a cliché, but in its original form, it is powerful and significant. “Do not revile the king even in your thoughts, or curse the rich in your bedroom, because a bird of the air may carry your words, and a bird on the wing may report what you say.”[vi] If only we would always bless, and always tell the truth, we would never have to worry about someone finding out something we said, and when we ask them where they heard it, they say, “A little bird told me.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to not have to keep track of what you said to whom? To never have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone reveals that you said something you shouldn’t have? We can live such a life of freedom if we will choose to always and only bless with our tongues.

Of course, this applies to speaking well of our president. It also is important to speak well of the police, of school administrators, of your boss and the executives at your workplace, of your parents, and of the church elders. (“Do not touch the Lord’s anointed.”)[vii] But it also applies to your friends and neighbors (Jesus said that anyone who is angry with his brother, says to him ‘Raca,’ or calls him a fool is in danger.)[viii], to your co-workers, to your children and employees. It even applies to your enemies![ix] In short, there is NO EXCUSE for ever cursing someone, slandering them, gossiping about them, or in any way using our tongue for anything other than healing.[x]

If we don’t keep our consciences clear in regard to our tongues, we can shipwreck our very faith.[xi] So, let’s together pledge to bless with our lips for one week for the sake of a clear conscience and a strong faith, and for the sake of God’s reputation. Maybe we’ll like it so much we’ll make it a lifetime habit!

On the other hand, trying an exercise like going a week doing nothing but blessing with your mouth might only sensitize us to just how often we say negative things. After failing three times before we even get home from church, we pretty much gave up on the idealistic project of living for a whole week with only blessing.

If you are like me, you will notice how often you speak sarcastically, and how cynical you are. You may notice how often you tend to complain (good-naturedly, of course) about everything, from the local sports team and the weather to people in other churches and closer to home. As James says, “If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.”[xii]

However, if you are like me, you will also notice something good happen in your heart this week. You will recognize those moments when you are tempted to speak ill of someone or something, and you check yourself from letting that thought develop enough to come out of your mouth. You will have a few defeats and dozens of small victories.

Here is the bottom line from that challenge: God will never bless us, no matter how much we ask Him to, while we continue to harbor negative thoughts and words ourselves. The key to revival is to bless with our tongues, to build others up with our words, and to heal with our mouths. I want God’s blessed Spirit to reside in me, and among us. When we do, God will be pleased and He will have a pleasant home in which to dwell!

 prophetic blessing

There is power in a blessing, just as there is power in a curse. God will never send the revival we seek if we refuse to love our brothers and sisters. No one can say that they love God, whom they have not seen, and at the same time not love a brother or sister, whom we can see.[xiii] So let us replace every slanderous word with a word of blessing. When we meet a stranger, let us speak the peace of God upon his or her household.[xiv] And let us continue to build one another up in love. To conquer gossip and slander with blessing and love will be the greatest relational victory in the church. At God’s leading, it can be done; it must be done.

When I was young, our church stayed away from using the word “prophecy,” because it was controversial. If you referred to some statement as being prophetic, it implied heretical claims that the statement was on the level of inspiration of Scripture, and that the speaker was claiming direct revelation from the Holy Spirit. So we emasculated the word by saying that 1) prophecy only occurred in the first generation and ceased after that, and 2) the modern replacement for prophecy is preaching, in which a person has not received new revelation, but is presenting a study of the written revelation of Scripture.

These days I have come to accept a “soft” definition of prophecy, and now I use the word freely. By my soft definition, prophecy is those who speak for God with words designed to reveal and bring forth secrets in a person’s life, for the strengthening, encouragement and comfort of a Christian person.[xv] Prophecy, by this definition, is far from “fortune telling.” It is more related to blessing.

Jesus gave nicknames to some of his disciples, and the early church did the same. Those nicknames were a kind of loving prophecy, designed to bring out God’s vision and gifting in their lives. Simon would be a rock, so Jesus called him Peter. Joseph had the gift of encouragement, so they called him Barnabas. Saul was called to minister to Gentiles, so they called him Paul. One of my nicknames for my wife is “Beautiful,” which speaks to a very deep place in her life. When I was in high school, an older gentleman always called me “Doctor Read,” and so set an image before me.

God renamed Abram and Sarai and dictated the names of John and of Jesus. So names are important to the Lord, as are nicknames. Jesus gave some of his disciples positive nicknames (“Peter,” “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” “the bighearted”). Maybe we should be purposeful and give purposeful nicknames to our fellow members, as statements of the good that we see in them.

Likewise, ongoing individual prophecies are very powerful encouragements to believers. Paul said that the assembly would be improved if everyone prophesies.[xvi] Toward a Christian, I might say, “I see such a gentle way in you toward small children. You really have a gift to make them welcome.” That is not some strange fortune-telling revelation, but it is prophecy, and it will likely have a future impact.

The other day, I saw a bold youth worker address a young lady in a youth gathering. She said, “I can see by the way you dress that you are into some things that you know aren’t right. You are looking for love, but you aren’t going to get it there.” The young lady started to cry as the speaker prayed for her. She had just found out that week that she was pregnant, and didn’t know what to do. Now, was that a miraculous whispered revelation by the Holy Spirit to prompt that woman to say those things, or was she just making an educated guess based on the girl’s clothing choices? Either way, those were prophetic words, designed to reveal secret thoughts and intentions of the heart and to lead to repentance. May we have more prophecy like that in the church, and less worldly chatter.

Jesus was busy with adult ministry, but a priority for him was to place his hands on small children and bless them. When the disciples tried to stop the parents from bringing the children, Jesus was indignant. He wasn’t indignant often, but this was something that so completely missed the center of his priorities that he let them know they were absolutely wrong. Let them come! And when Jesus placed his hands on them and blessed them, I wonder what he said?

One of the most moving experiences I have had in ministry is one Communion when we blessed the children. We had everyone come forward to take the Lord’s Supper that morning. One of our elders offered the bread to each person, reminding them that it was the body of Christ, the bread of heaven. Another followed and offered the cup, saying, “This is the blood of Christ, for your forgiveness.” Those unbaptized children who were too young still came forward, but instead of receiving the elements, I was the third elder and I laid hands on each of them and blessed them. I said, “May you grow in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and men.” Many of the parents were weeping with me at the beauty of a simple blessing in the church.

A dear brother in Christ came over to our house when our son was just a baby. Before he left, he said, “Do you mind if I pray for little Anthony?” Of course, we were delighted. As he finished his prayer, our friend quietly said, “He will be a gentle giant.” We latched onto that image for our son and have referred to it often as he gets older (and bigger!).

 MYTH #24: It is normal for Christians to critique the assembly or to criticize a family member in the company of others.

It may be “normal” for these things to happen. “Fried preacher” seems to be a favorite meal at Sunday dinner, and the natural opening question when headed home from church is, “So, how was it today for you?” This opens the door to a critique, sometimes positive and sometimes negative. When men get together, they tend to tell “women” jokes; when the women’s groups get together, they are often more specifically critical of their husbands. Teens criticize their parents. All of this may be “normal.” However . . .

TRUTH: God’s expectation is that we will be self-controlled, and that we will bless with our mouths, not curse.

It is time to acknowledge backbiting as sin, and to stop accepting it as normal behavior. Backbiting may be common; it may even be expected in most churches. But it is not “normal.” It is too easy to measure ourselves by the standard of what others do, rather than what God says is His expected standard for our tongues.

When we allow bitterness to take root in our spirits, we might not even notice it, because everyone around us also has a heart of anger toward someone. And our own self-talk may be so full of loathing and criticism that we don’t recognize that we are being negative and critical of others.

Love tells us to bear with one another, for love covers over a multitude of sins.[xvii] And if love will cover over a multitude of sins, then how many minor irritating quirks will it cover over? Love is patient. Love bears all things. Love endures all things.[xviii] In the modern church, there is a terrible amount of sniping, grumbling and complaining. We think that it is normal and okay to rehearse irritations with trusted friends or family members, but it is not; it is absolutely forbidden.

That means husbands and wives need to show forbearance toward one another. It means that more parents need to put up with their teenage children, and more teens need to be patient with their parents.

Ellen and I have noticed the tendency of talk to become negative when a group of our peers who are of the same sex get together. And we have not felt good about what comes to our own hearts when we allow ourselves to give in to the temptation to complain about the little irritating idiosyncrasies of each other. So, we have pledged to each other to build each other up in public and behind each others’ backs.

Here’s a sad story: Jonathan Edwards was a catalyst to the first Great Awakening in New England in the early 1700s. For a few months in 1734, his little congregation experienced a lively heartwarming and much revival. By the spring of 1735, the revival had spread all over New England . However, in Edwards’ own congregation, one of the leaders committed suicide, and their own revival came to an abrupt halt. Fifteen years later, the congregation voted to fire their pastor, and Edwards and his large family were left rather destitute, looking for another ministry.

How could this respected man of God experience such a degrading fall from grace? Because his congregation somehow forgot the principle not to touch the Lord’s anointed one. They were more interested in social status than in brokenness before God. They wanted Edwards and his high standards gone. Oh, the treasure they had, and they failed to see it!

How many churches today do the same thing? They have a man who loves God and has dedicated his life to His service. But because they want something a little different, they want to get themselves a “better” preacher. May we today learn not to touch the Lord’s anointed, but to support him with prayer and our best help. May we make him shine, rather than criticize him behind his back.

David and Karen Mains suggest that when we are heading home from church, there is a better question to ask than, “So, how was church today?” They ask each other the same first question every week: “In what way did Christ speak to you and through you today?” What a marvelous question! It acknowledges that Jesus was there, and that He wants to work among His people, no matter how “things went.” It’s pretty hard to launch into a critique when such a spiritual question is guiding us.

Blessing is normal; cursing is, well, cursed. Let us bless with our mouths about our church, our preacher, our spouse, ourselves, and our Lord. God has promised us blessings if we will learn this lesson!

 case study: Isaac and Jacob

The story[xix] is a bit strange, but it illustrates the power of a blessing. Isaac is very old and virtually blind. He has twin sons, Esau and Jacob. The boys are both grown men, but they live at home and have never gotten over their sibling rivalry. Though they are twins, Esau is the older son, and thus entitled to a greater birthright and blessing. But Jacob has been ambitious since they were in the womb, he has already bargained his way to Esau’s birthright, and his mother favors him. Isaac favors Esau. Family dysfunction at its finest.

You probably know the story of his deception. Isaac is getting ready to die and wants to offer his final blessing to Esau. While Esau is preparing himself, Jacob slips in and pretends to be Esau. Isaac, fooled into thinking that he is blessing his firstborn son, pronounces his blessing on Jacob.

It is important to note this: The blessing is a third person imperative, which we can only convey passively in English. In English, it sounds like a wish, but in Hebrew it is a command. When we say, “May this happen,” the original has the power of pronouncing it being done. For example, in English, we say that God said, “Let there be light.” In the original, it was more like, “Light, be!” So when a Hebrew gave a blessing, it was as if the power of the words was so strong that it was actually and literally done.

Isaac says, among other things, “May God give you of heaven’s dew and of earth’s richness—an abundance of grain and new wine. May nations serve you and peoples bow down to you. Be lord over your brothers, and may the sons of your mother bow down to you.” Here was a covenant from God, pronounced from the father and given to his son.

After Jacob leaves with this blessing, Esau enters the room. Isaac gives him the news, “I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!”

Esau burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said, “Bless me—me too, my father!”

Now, to most of us modern English-speakers, we would offer a second, similar blessing, and be done with it. “Yes, and even more on you!” But Isaac had reserved no blessing. He had given it all away to Jacob, and even though it was deceitfully obtained, it was as if the words were tangible goods. Isaac answers, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?”

Even though Esau wept and asked for some sort of leftover blessing, this is the best that Isaac could say: “You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.” He found a legal loophole, you might say, but he could not remove a blessing once it had been granted.

What do we gain from this bizarre story? There is power in words, and in the Bible there is almost tangible power in a blessing. This is why using the name of God lightly (“Taking the name of the Lord in vain.”) is so forbidden, because we must not profane (make common) things that should be treated with respect. So if, for example, we with our words send someone or something to hell, it is as if we had done that exact thing in reality, and it is very wrong.

Parents (especially fathers) have an immense amount of power and responsibility to bless their children. Let us not take the power of our words lightly.

 the image of a blessing church

Imagine what it will be like when an entire church catches on to this practice of blessing.

Families wake up in the morning with kind words of blessing and peace. Husbands stand up and honor their wives when they enter a room. Children speak respectfully to their parents. Parents lay their hands on their children and pray a blessing on their children as they go to bed. Fathers especially give a blessing to their children.

Churches gather with warm embraces and words of peace, with no divisions and no gossip. At the Lord’s Table, all can say that they are at peace with everyone there. We sing along with the worship leaders, we take notes during the sermon, we talk about the discussion points and make applications in our lives.

When we go to the restaurant after church, we join other families, bless the server, thank the workers, and leave a large tip. On the way home, we greet neighbors and leave them gifts. In our prayers, we pray for God’s blessing on people.

When we have visitors come to our houses (and we often do), they find a warm welcome. If they are Christians, they say, “Peace to this house” as they arrive. Always before they leave we offer to pray for them and give them a blessing in Jesus’ name. In our conversation, we rise above sarcasm or hurtful humor, and we find the good in people and encourage it to blossom. We pay attention to the small children, and we always offer them a blessing before they leave.

Does this week of blessing sound too good to be true? To me, it sounds like a bit of heaven on earth, and my soul yearns to live there.

“This is the Place”[xx]

Is there a place for starting over?

Is there a place for trading old for new?

A place where we can be servants who are free?

Can we dare to live unselfishly?

Is there such a place?

Is there a place to learn to trust again?

Is there a place where human hands just help and hold and heal?

A place where we can belong?

That’s a place that I’ve been longing for

For a long, long, long time.

I know a place where love is.

It is a place where Jesus lives.

It is a place for learning how to love and to forgive.

It is a place for sharing.

It is a place for people caring.

This is the place— 

This is the family of God.

So let’s all learn to serve like the Master,

And let’s follow in his footsteps all the way.

Oh, if we could only be blind enough we’d see

That we can help this world survive

When we show your Body is alive!

Let’s make a place where love is.

Let’s make a place where Jesus lives.

Let’s make a place for learning how to love and to forgive.

Let’s make a place for sharing.

Let’s make a place for people caring.

This is the place.

This is the place.

This is the place.

This is the family of God.

I see the family of God.

We are the family of God.

Let’s be the family of God.