exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

11|discipline

So far, we have dealt with personal offenses. There are times to deal with corporate offenses, also. These offenses fall under the category of church discipline. A private sin requires private confession and personal restoration, but a public sin requires a group to deal publicly with sin and to experience corporate healing.

MYTH #20: If we love each other, we will never judge each other, or discern weaknesses. Love means never being judgmental.

Jesus did say judge not lest we be judged. And a judgmental spirit is a great enemy of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Look at how Jesus treated the obvious “sinners” of his day and you will see that He was full of grace. However . . .

TRUTH: We show love for each other when we are faithful in how we treat each other when we discern weaknesses. Love means accepting one another despite our flaws, but yet, judgment begins in the house of God.

Jesus was, indeed, full of gracious acceptance toward the obvious sinners of his day. But at the same time, He was ruthless toward the religious hypocrites of Israel . So there must be a place for iron to sharpen iron, or for accountability within the church among close and trusted friends. And that requires that we observe one another’s lives.

What should I do when I notice a weakness in a brother’s life? First, I must continue to love that brother and want the best for him. If my motives are not right, I should do absolutely nothing with my little insight into his life. Second, I pray for my brother, speaking a blessing into his life in the name of Jesus. If the error in his life is serious, I ask the Lord for timing and wording and a receptive heart. Third, before confronting my brother with the weakness in his life, I look to myself. Often I notice sins in the lives of others in the very areas that are weaknesses for me. I may or may not have exactly the same manifestation, but I often have the same root problem. Fourth, I wait until there is an open door. I might initiate the conversation, asking if he would like to know what I see. But if he does not want advice and will not hear it, I only bring up the matter I see if it is of eternal consequence. Lastly, if the sin is serious, I must go anyway and confront, even without an open door.

What is the difference between judgment beginning in the house of God, and having a judgmental spirit? Love. A judgmental spirit wants to control others, to make them like me. A judgmental spirit does not recognize the plank in my own eye as I do surgery on the splinter in my brother’s eye. A judgmental spirit confuses God’s purposes in a friend’s life with my own purposes for someone else. A judgmental spirit uses people, cuts them down, controls, and breaks without healing. Proper judgment loves, restores and encourages.

MYTH #21: When someone sins publicly against the church, they must be disciplined in public and cast out of the church until they repent.

The Bible calls for some unrepentant people to be cast out, or handed over to Satan, or shunned. When we tolerate sin in our midst, all we do is to give tacit permission to others to do the same, and Satan gets a foothold in our body. We are called to holiness, both individually and corporately. If we back down from discipline, then we cannot expect to arrive at holiness. We need to not be afraid of lawsuits and church splits, and boldly do what Jesus tells us to do. However . . .

TRUTH: The goal of church discipline is not punishment, but restoration, and must be done with love and respect.

Few matters in the church are as sensitive and dangerous as that of church discipline. It is pleasant to be positive and encouraging and to simply love one another through our differences. That’s the attraction of love that draws people to an accepting, affirming fellowship of people. But just as with any family, sometimes those in authority need to clearly draw a line and make clear what will not be allowed, so that love and acceptance in a prevailing atmosphere of holiness can continue. This process we call church discipline.

The Bible talks about church discipline surprisingly often. In the Old Testament, Achan confiscated some of the treasure (and idols?) from Jericho and hid the loot. God intervened and let all of Israel know that “that kind” of sin would not be tolerated. He had Achan and his entire family stoned to death.[i] In the New Testament, Ananias and Sapphira sold a piece of property and brought part of the money to give to the church. But they agreed to claim it was the entire amount and get the adulation of the church for their generosity. Again, God intervened to let all the church know that “that kind” of sin would not be tolerated. Each of them fell down dead, struck down by God himself.[ii] God is serious about sin.

challenges of discipline today

The big challenge for us today is trying to determine what “that kind” of sin is. In this postmodern age, who is anyone to say that anyone else is doing wrong? What is “living in sin?” We are all broken people, blind to our own hypocrisy, or else hopelessly addicted to our own pride. Who are we to say that a man who commits adultery is a worse sinner than a greedy corporate CEO, or a tax cheat, or a power-hungry church leader, or a wife who grumbles against her husband?

Besides the postmodern question of “that kind” of sin, there are practical roadblocks to carrying out discipline.

For example, if we try to exercise church discipline with someone, they usually run before it comes to that. In the early church, there was only one body of believers, but today there are many competing denominations and congregations. If someone starts to feel the heat in one church, he can just go down the street and find another church more to his liking. So shunning someone is less effective in this day of multiple-choice churches in every neighborhood.

A church also faces a very real financial risk in exercising discipline. The church could wind up losing a “giving unit,” or maybe several, as the church splits over whether the issue was handled in the right way. What’s more, it could become a public lawsuit if matters are not handled very carefully. Many of us have heard of churches being successfully sued by estranged former members. We never seem to be in a position to afford the risk of church discipline.

There is also a risk of disunity in the church. If the elders play by the rules and keep details of a matter confidential, then the congregation never hears the whole story as to how it came to this point. But if the party who is being disciplined doesn’t play by those same rules, he or she can spread one side of the story and make it sound pretty convincing. When people in the congregation only hear one side, they could take sides with the offended party,[iii] and leave the church with him. That sad story is repeated every day in some church.

Nonetheless, we must not ignore all those passages about discipline, such as Matthew 18:15-17. We have covered this passage before. Jesus said to go individually to a person and confront the sin personally, just between the two of you. If he repents, you have won a brother. But the Lord also addresses the contingency of that brother not repenting. What then? Then, he says, bring two or three witnesses. You must carefully discern who might be a true witness, and then invite one or two to come with you. Again, the hope is that such a confrontation will cause this brother to repent. But again, Jesus recognizes that sometimes he will not. In that case, bring it before the church.

What gets said before the church? If the brother or sister has not repented, it seems that this is the moment when he or she is handed over to Satan.[iv] When we treat him as a pagan or a tax collector,[v] or do not even eat with such a person,[vi] we communicate clearly that he is not longer considered a brother in Christ. It is a solemn moment, done in public, delivered in power[vii] and with tears, but clearly and with no apologies. Enough details must be shared so that the body knows what the false brother has done, but not enough that we disrespect his privacy or involve any innocent people.

what is a “disciplinable offense?”

So, what is “that kind” of sin? As mentioned above, Paul handed two false brothers over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme,[viii] but we don’t know what their teaching was. On another occasion, Paul permitted people to continue preaching Christ out of false motives, because at least Christ was being preached.[ix] He tells the Thessalonians to “warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”[x] He tells Titus to warn a divisive person once and then a second time, and then to have nothing to do with him.[xi] Solomon tells us several times to drive out the “mocker” from a group.[xii] Paul tells the Corinthians to “hand a man over to Satan” who is living with his father’s wife.[xiii] He tells them not to associate with anyone who claims to be a brother yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or a drunkard, or a swindler. He says not to even eat with such people.[xiv] He tells them that God will judge outsiders, but that they are to judge the believers, and expel the wicked man.[xv] In another place, Paul warns, “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”[xvi] John says that we are to confront those who commit a sin that does not lead to death, but not to pray for someone whose sin does lead to death.[xvii]

There is no definitive list of “disciplinable offenses” in the Bible, though there are lists of sins (such as the Ten Commandments,[xviii] to name one such list). The church must teach and admonish one another with all wisdom,[xix] and repent when shown a sin in our lives. If a brother or sister is entrapped in some sin, the duty of all of the church is to gently restore that person, being careful not to fall into the same sin ourselves.[xx]

Occasionally, and I suspect on a case-by-case basis, we meet willful disobedience that refuses to change or perhaps even to acknowledge a behavior as sinful. Those are the times when, with the spiritual authority and power of Christ himself, we need to carry out that discipline. Maybe the only sin worthy of church discipline is to “blaspheme the Holy Spirit,”[xxi] perhaps attributing the work of God to Satan. This is an eternal and unforgivable sin, and would justify handing someone over to Satan.

When we have disfellowshiped someone, how do we then treat them? Like pagans and tax collectors? If so, how did Jesus treat pagans and tax collectors? Probably the answer is, he treated them as if they were outside of the kingdom, but spoke to them with compassion and love. Paul told the Thessalonians, “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him. Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.”[xxii] Jesus called his followers to love their enemies.[xxiii] Should we do less to our former brothers and sisters?

discipline             help

False brothers       False motives

Idle (warn)            Timid, weak          

Divisive                 Sin does not lead to death

Mocker                  Entrapped by sin

Sexual sin

Greedy

Worships idols

Abusive

Drunkard

Swindler

Sin leads to death

Lie to the Holy Spirit

Blaspheme the Holy Spirit

restoration

When church discipline works well, as it did in Corinth , we must be ready to forgive and embrace and restore the one who has repented. After public confession, we recognize that the punishment inflicted by the group was enough and we must welcome that one back.[xxiv] The body will need to exhibit the maturity and love to consider as if the sin had never happened in the first place.

Restoration does not necessarily mean placing that person back into some leadership position. For example, an elder must be above reproach[xxv] and must have a good reputation with outsiders,[xxvi] and some sins harm a reputation to such a degree that trust has been lost and must be regained. In such cases, restoration into fellowship is immediate, but restoration into leadership may take much longer. Such a person must begin again to earn trust by being faithful in small things, trusting that discipline seems unpleasant at the time, but later yields the fruit of righteousness and peace.[xxvii] We must not be hasty in the laying on of hands,[xxviii] restoring someone to leadership too soon.

 watching ourselves

While confronting, a healthy dose of self-inspection is required. In the first place, we must be sure that we are not guilty of the same type of sin, perhaps manifesting itself in another area. We tend to be more aware of sin in others’ lives in the very areas where we ourselves are weak. That’s why Paul says to the Galatians that they must look to themselves, or they may also be tempted.[xxix]

The unexpected enemy of unity is jealousy, being envious of what someone else has and wanting it for myself. In turn, the root of jealousy is covetousness, which has been called the most-often broken and least-often confessed of the Ten Commandments. At the center of it all is pride, where I am focused on myself and my own needs first. The cure to it all is to consider others as more important than myself,[xxx] and to serve others as Christ served others, all the way to death.[xxxi] If I consider myself better than the one who is fallen, I am not ready to carry out discipline.

We also must inspect ourselves to be sure that we are rid of anger or hatred or bitterness toward the offending person.[xxxii] We are to restore him “gently.” Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.[xxxiii] While there is a time for righteous indignation,[xxxiv] the root of bitterness can grow up and cause trouble and defile many.[xxxv] So if anything in us is finding a kind of perverse pleasure in inflicting punishment, we must stop and reconsider our own motives before moving forward.

 case study: the letters of Revelation

Christ wrote to seven churches in the book of Revelation.[xxxvi] To six of the seven he has an encouraging and personal commendation, but to all but one he also has “something against” them. Let’s examine what Jesus considered worthy of confrontation or discipline.

Jesus commends the church in Ephesus [xxxvii] for their deeds, their hard work and their perseverance, as well as for their stand against wicked men and those who are false apostles. In face, they were right to hate the practices of the Nicolaitans. They were apparently active in carrying out church discipline against several false people in their midst. But Jesus’ criticism of them was that they had forsaken their first love. A pure church, doing the right things but without love, misses everything,[xxxviii] and Jesus will actively remove their influence. So it’s right to discipline false teachers, but we must look to ourselves and keep our first love for Jesus.

The church in Smyrna [xxxix] was being slandered by so-called Jews who were what Jesus calls a synagogue of Satan. These were not false brothers within the church, but persecuting Jews. In this case, the church was to suffer and be thrown into prison. Jesus does not tell them to resist, but to not be afraid to suffer. Church discipline pertains to so-called brothers, but not to fighting back against unjust religious or civil persecution.

The church in Pergamum [xl] was experiencing both persecution from the outside and false teachers within. The city itself was “where Satan has his throne,” and a believer, Antipas, had even been put to death there. But the church was not urged to leave or to fight the secular authorities, but to be true in the midst of their suffering. Inside the church, however, they were wrong to have those who held to the teaching of Balaam and to the Nicolaitans. The teaching of Balaam has to do with encouraging or permitting immorality. The Nicolaitans’ teaching could be several things. If they did not deal with the sin among them, the Lord Jesus would come Himself and slay them with the sword of His mouth.

The church in Thyatira[xli] was greatly commended for their deeds, love, faith and perseverance. It sounds like a healthy church, but with one problem: They tolerated that woman Jezebel, who called herself a prophetess. Her false teaching is basically identical to the teaching of Balaam, but in this church it is led by a woman. The Lord indicates that he is taking divine action to punish her, but he also calls the church to take authority and deal with the deception in their midst.

Jesus was not timid about directly addressing the need in the church in Sardis [xlii] to repent. Sardis had the reputation for being alive, but Jesus declared it to be dead. For most of the church, their deeds were “incomplete” in the sight of God. A few in the church walk with Jesus, dressed in white. Only those in that church in that generation knew what Jesus’ words meant to them, but it seems to have to do with purity or holiness.

The church in Philadelphia [xliii] was small and had little strength, but that was not something to be criticized, for they had kept his word and had not denied his name. In fact, Philadelphia is the only church not to receive a criticism from Jesus. But Jesus does promise that he will vindicate them before the synagogue of Satan, which he referred to in his letter to Smyrna . He tells them to endure the hour of trial that is coming, and to hold on to what they have.

Jesus reserves his worst criticism (and no encouragement) for the church in Laodicea .[xliv] Ironically, it was the only church without conflict! As it turns out, the entire church needed to be disciplined! They were comfortable, wealthy, satisfied, compromised, polite and lukewarm, and such “niceness” sickens our Lord. He says, “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” In the case of Jesus, rebuke and discipline are actually marks of genuine love. The writer of Hebrews claims that God shows us we are his legitimate children by disciplining us.[xlv]

And so we come full circle from Ephesus where they carried out discipline without love, to Laodicea where Jesus says that his discipline is based on his love for us.

resist, or endure?

resist                                      endure

Wicked men                    Afflictions

False apostles                 Poverty

Nicolaitans                      Slander of false Jews

Balaam’s teachings                   Persecution

Jezebel                           Prison

Spiritual death                Physical death

Incomplete obedience     Keep clothes white

Lukewarm                       Small, little strength

We are to resist immorality and false teaching within the church. We are to endure persecution and heresy from outside of the church. Maybe that’s why the essence of church discipline is not some sort of corporal punishment and control, but consists of casting a person out of the heavenly kingdom and into the world.

 wolves among the sheep

Jesus sent the disciples out like sheep among wolves.[xlvi] Sheep are defenseless prey before wolves, and the church is not called to be lions, doing battle with the wolves in the physical or cultural realm. But occasionally wolves come in among the sheep, from within the very leadership of the flock, and do not spare the flock. They dress in the clothing of sheep, but they are not sheep.[xlvii] Church discipline is really nothing more than recognizing true sheep and true wolves, and calling them what they are.

Often it is difficult to tell the difference between a sheep and a wolf. Someone looks like a sincere believer, but with some issues (which we all have). We show kindness and tender mercy to that person. With forbearance, we patiently encourage and teach him or her.

Eventually, it becomes clear that the person whom we thought was a sincere believer with issues is really not a believer at all. There is no desire to repent, and/or there is no true love for the Lord Jesus Christ or his people. That person’s actions or influence can cause little ones, or the susceptible ones who are weak in faith, to falter. He is drawing followers after himself. She is presenting a gospel that is not the Gospel at all. They are frightening children, chasing away doubters, confusing Bible study groups, or undermining genuine ministry.

Too late, we wake up to the fact that we have been protecting a wolf and sacrificing sheep in the process. Such wolves can have risen to leadership positions such as elder or ministry staff, making them harder to recognize, but even more dangerous.

Such discernment is crucial to the health of a church or the safety of a flock. We must watch carefully, and distinguish between spirits.

Some people have a special spiritual gift of discerning spirits (see the next chapter), but all of us are told what to look for. The Spirit of God recognizes that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh.[xlviii] This might be what John means by the “testimony of Jesus.”[xlix] Paul says he was determined to know and preach nothing but Christ crucified.[l] He said the core of the Gospel is Christ crucified, buried and raised.[li] He told the Galatians to not believe those who preach a different gospel,[lii] which apparently tried to add law to grace. Jesus Christ is the center of true teaching; anything or anyone else is less than the Gospel and is a different spirit.

When we think about relationships in the church, most of the time the answer is love, grace, patience, and community. But at certain times we must ready for conflict and discipline. After all, those whom he loves, Jesus disciplines.