exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

10|grace

 Most of the time, we love the people we are with, and we tell them so. Most days the sun shines, the neighbors are kindly, and my church is filled with positive relationships. But there are other days when somebody has done somebody wrong, and it affects those warm fuzzies. What about those days?

How do we deal with offenses? Jesus said that offenses would come,[i] and experience confirms that they do. Husbands and wives offend each other, as do family members. Someone has been complaining about me behind my back. Or we discover that a member of the church is living with willful sin.

Much of the time, the conflict is my own, very personal, inner struggle that generates the offense. I was jealous of someone else’s success, or I choose to hear something in the worst light. In such cases, the solution is also within me: repent, forgive, love, pray, and go on.

There are other times when there has been a sin in someone else’s life, and it is getting in the way of God’s kingdom. Then, perhaps, someone needs to be confronted, or disciplined, and restored. How do we go about properly dealing with offenses in the kingdom? Again, the Bible has much to say on the subject, and the next chapter is devoted to it. And again, much of our modern practice has been misguided.

Let’s deal with personal offenses first, and then address corporate offenses in the next chapter.

MYTH #18: If offended, I forgive and wait for an apology. If I have offended and someone confronts me, I try to reach the other person halfway. If the resolution is unsuccessful, we go our separate ways.

Now we are getting to a core matter of how to resolve conflicts. Who initiates a conversation, and what should be said in that conversation? Forgiving someone in your heart is indeed the place to start, but let’s find out from Scripture how to initiate the conversation.

TRUTH: If I become aware of a problem, I initiate the conversation. I always begin with forgiveness and repentance, and occasionally confront.

Jesus described two difference scenarios in the Gospel of Matthew. First,[ii] Jesus told us that if we are standing at the altar and there remember that someone has something against us, we should leave our gift and go and be reconciled. Notice the circumstance: I have offended someone else. So I should be the one to initiate if I have been the one to offend. Therefore, if I owe someone money, or an apology, or perhaps I simply recognize that someone has been treating me as if I have hurt him or her, I should be the one to go and make it right.

What if the other person is the one who sinned? Jesus said[iii] that if a brother sins against you, go privately and point out the fault, just between the two of you. If he listens, you have won over a brother. So if someone promised you something and has let you down, or if someone has said something behind your back, or if you are feeling the internal struggle of distance toward a friend, don’t wait for your friend to notice; you go and clear the air.

Of course, your confrontation has to do with someone sinning against you, not merely a difference of opinion, or even necessarily someone sinning against someone else. We’re not talking about personality differences, or differences in taste here, but sins against you. And keep in mind that in between those two bits of advice, Jesus said[iv] that we should not judge, for we will be judged by the same standards that we use on others. He also said that if you have a log in your eye, take it out before trying to help your brother with the speck in his eye. However, Jesus did not say that you should not help your brother take out the speck in his eye!

making things right

Perhaps we should consider the implications of Jesus’ instructions about standing before the altar with a gift. The implications are serious. “If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him.” “[Because you do not recognize the body of the Lord] many of you are weak and sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep.” “If you do not forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive you.” “And do not grumble, as some of them did—and were killed by the destroying angel.” So, before we offer the gift to God, we must be at peace with a brother or sister.

In liturgical churches around the world, the Eucharist is begun by “passing the peace.” The faithful bless one another with “the peace of Christ.” It is common practice in some orthodox churches to ask, “Is the church at peace?” before taking the Lord’s Supper together. In fact, in many frontier churches in the late 1700s, there would be a season to prepare for the yearly “footwashing” and “Communion” service. It was a goal of every church to be sure to have every relationship on solid ground before the Table could be offered.

Therefore, whether you are the offender or the offended one, Jesus made it clear that you should be the one to initiate the reconciliation with your brother or sister. The rule of thumb is, if the Lord prompts you by highlighting an uncomfortable feeling toward another believer, you go and try to make it right.

When do you go? Should you first spend some time reflecting to see what exactly is bugging you? If there were no God, it would be a good policy for relationships. You are being open and honest, and sincerely trying to resolve problems by talking directly. However, it leaves God out of the equation, and that makes a world of difference.

When someone has hurt me, my first response needs to be prayer and forgiveness, rather than rehearsing and nursing bitterness. Go and confront only if the Lord calls you to go out of love for that person. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Settle matters quickly, while you are still on the way.

We are dealing here with motives and hidden feelings that no one really sees, and yet that inner battleground is not far from the center of spiritual warfare. The secret battleground of the heart is where most of the wars are won or lost.

The first reaction of my flesh, prompted by the tempter, is to ponder the hurt. My natural inclination is to review, reflect and nurse that hurt until the bitterness festers and stinks. Like a child who constantly wants to pick at a scab, I am tempted to secretly revisit the hurt and re-open the wound. It feels so good to hurt so bad, sometimes. So I sing the blues in a minor key. But the enemy wrote the song, and it is the accuser of my soul who invites me to sing it.

The better reaction is to let the Lord train our hearts so that our first thought is love, and our first action is prayer. Jesus told us to bless those who curse us, and to pray for those who abuse us. He didn’t say to ponder it and to let it sink down and make us bitter, but to let it go and to forgive from the heart.

The unjust steward was forgiven a multi-million dollar debt, but after having been pardoned, he did not let gratitude change his attitude. He was still impatient toward his fellow servant over a relatively small debt. Jesus concluded the story of this impious man by telling us we need to forgive our brother “from your heart.” He challenges us to let the Holy Spirit soak so deeply into our heart that when our response method is triggered, grace is what comes out.

 a tale of two grandmas

Let me tell you about my grandmothers. On one side of the family was my grandma Ella. She had come from the old country, and expressed her opinions and ran her family as the matriarch she was. She had a strict side that took no grief from anyone, but at least you knew where you stood with her. Grandma took care of my grandfather and bore it like a trooper. As long as you didn’t cross her, she was a wonderful grandma.

On the other side of the family was my grandma Ginia. She was a strange bird, always cheerful and encouraging, and oddly irritating to me as a stoic, cynical teenager. She was always saying a kind word, and saying, “Thank you, Sweety” to me every time I walk into or out of a room. One time when she said her customary “Thank you,” I smartly retorted, “For what?” Without losing a count, she said, “Oh, just for being you.” Hoo boy, what a sap! She had this flaw where she agreed with whomever was talking to her at the time. She seemed to never have an opinion of her own, and she was only able to see the good in anyone. I saw her as shallow. When I was in college, I learned that there was something deeper about Grandma Ginia, however. I asked her for an honest assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. As it turned out, she did, in fact, have opinions, and she did see weaknesses. Since I asked, she shared them. It’s not that she didn’t notice, but rather that she let love be her highest attribute.

As she got older, my Grandma Ella got more bitter. First, it was in church. She decided that she had been singing in the congregation for 50 years, and now she was going to sit back and let others do the singing. Then, when in her 80s, as her mental and physical health started to fail, she had to be put into a nursing home. She hated it there, refused to take her medicine, kicked and punched the nurses and workers, and scolded everyone. Curse words slipped from my saintly grandmother’s mouth. In the end, all that was left of her was meanness.

Grandma Ginia also needed to be institutionalized when she developed Alzheimer’s in her 80s, but her attitude was completely different. When she got so that she didn’t even remember my name anymore, she still had a sweetness about her. She would look at me through the haze of confusion, and as I got up to leave, she would say, “Thank you.”

I concluded that some day, when you strip away all that I now am, so that I have no physical abilities to care for myself, and even no memory or intellect anymore; when I am boiled down to a stare and two words; when I am reduced to merely a soul and a body; I want to be like Grandma Ginia. When I am running on autopilot, I want what’s left of me to choose love, because I have had a lifetime of experience practicing Christ-like forgiveness and grace. Let me choose love today, not just to prepare for my old age, but to prepare for eternity.

Pride causes us to fall into many sins, and the sin of bitterness and unforgiveness is one of the worst manifestations of a self-centered mindset. As God breaks us of our self-sufficiency and our competitive comparisons, may we learn the instinct of reacting with grace.

 MYTH: #19: When someone has sinned against me, I should forgive if he or she seems genuine. But I must be watching to see if true life change happens.

It is wonderful to forgive. But as the saying goes, “Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.” There must be some accountability; grace is not a blank check to permit someone to walk on me. We must be innocent as doves, but also as shrewd as serpents. That means we need to stand up for ourselves. However . . .

TRUTH: If someone has apologized to me, I must forgive, freely, from the heart, without withholding love, without keeping score.

Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive a brother who has sinned against him. It is the very question addressed in this myth: Three seems like a biblical number; seven seems complete. If I forgive seven times, Peter thought, that would be the kind of thing Jesus would do. There are built-in protections that way, by having a statute of limitations, as it were, but a generous number of times to forgive. Jesus blew the standard away by saying that you must forgive seventy-seven times (or seventy times seven). The point, of course, is that you lose count by then, so you may as well not keep a record to know when you have reached three, or seven. The past is forgiven, and if forgiven, it is not remembered. There is no such thing as “I forgive you, but . . . ”

Paul told the Corinthians that “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” No record? That’s right. Forgive and forget. Does that mean you will be walked on, taken advantage of? Perhaps. And if you are, you will be following in Jesus’ footsteps, who was wronged all the way to an innocent death, yet never complained or lashed back at his accusers. If we live a life of love, we just might be crucified, too. But what’s so wrong about that? It wasn’t God who said that we must learn to stand up for ourselves, you know.

Here’s another subtle point along the way: Jesus never told us to ask God to help us forgive. He simply told us to forgive. What that means is that it is our choice to forgive, not a spiritual gift from beyond ourselves. It is in our power to choose to forgive, or to choose not to forgive. So, Jesus said, “Forgive your brother from the heart.” Completely, with no strings attached, such as, “I forgive you, but you better not do this again.” No forgiving buts, only forgiving hearts.

The enemy talked about you to me today.

He wanted me to come over to his side to play.

I started absentmindedly to cross over that line.

Then I realized who spoke and I declined.

That’s when I heard my Father say,

“Love your brother and for him pray.

Pray for forgiveness on both of your parts.

Pray for unity in your hearts.”

I can’t tell you the joy I felt,

When at last before Abba I knelt.

The Father talked about you to me today,

And all was well when I stayed to pray.

(Bethany Vater, 2003)

case study: David and Nathan[v]

King David of Judah understood the principle of authority well. Though he was already anointed as king, he refused to go against King Saul, who was the current anointed king. Until David was given the kingdom, he refused to lift his hand against Saul. In fact, the first time that he had opportunity to take vengeance into his own hands, David did not follow the advice of his men, who interpreted opportunity as God’s will. (Because you can take vengeance doesn’t always mean that it was God who opened the door, nor that he desires you to go through it.)

David cut a corner off of the robe of Saul. But later, it says that David was conscience-striken even over this mild act against Saul.[vi] He had lifted his hand against the Lord’s anointed. David understood submission to authority.

Most likely, what should have happened was that way back several chapters earlier is that Saul should have voluntarily released the kingdom to David. Samuel had told Saul that the Lord had rejected him as king, that it would be given to another, and David was the apparent one to be next in line.[vii] Saul had the kingdom taken from himself because he had not submitted to the Lord’s authority. God’s word to Saul that day was that rebellion is like the sin of divination.[viii]

So finally, David becomes the rightful king. And before you know it, he has committed a whole string of his own sins, including lust, adultery, murder, and lying. And he has lived with a seared conscience for a year or more. At last, God sends the prophet Nathan to go and confront David. Nathan delivers the message, just between himself and David, and David repents.[ix] Nathan never needed to go further in the process of confrontation, because David changed.

Proverbs says that if you rebuke a wise man, he will love you.[x] David later named one of his sons after Nathan. And while Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus, traces his lineage through David’s son Solomon (and thus Jesus was in line to be the king of the Jews), Mary, the mother of Jesus, traces her lineage through Nathan. And so Jesus physically is from the fruit of a confrontation resulting in repentance.

 putting it into practice

Let’s take the principles of the last few chapters and wrap it all together and see how it becomes very practical.

The strongest motivation is jealousy. The strongest temptation is control. The only cure is grace.

Wise Solomon says, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?”[xi] He also notes that “all labor and all achievement spring from man’s envy of his neighbor.”[xii] God gave Moses the Commandment, “do not covet.”[xiii] In our flesh, we cannot resist the emotions of self-preservation, self-promotion, and selfish ambition. We cannot stand before the overwhelming desire to want for ourselves, and not for someone else. Jealousy is so much a part of us that it usually goes unrecognized. Covetousness may be the most-committed sin,[xiv] and may be the least-recognized or confessed.

What do we do when jealousy rises up in us? The strongest temptation is to exert control, to exercise power, or to find a way to win against the other person. Of course, we look for some moral high ground to justify our power play. Another “competing” church or program is starting up, which threatens my power, so I look for a reason to oppose it. A so-called friend backstabs me, and in my hurt I focus on his flaws. I envy someone’s undeserved popularity or success, and seek to find a reason to undermine him. Someone has wronged me and never acknowledged it or tried to make it right, and I harden my heart against him or her.

I will try to protect my own position of power in any way I can. Sometimes it is the passive resistance of not helping when I could, or withholding a compliment. The opposition in my heart sooner or later comes out my mouth, for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.[xv] Eventually, if gone unchecked, I may find myself throwing spears or in some other way actively hurting them. My temptation is to control someone else, to keep them down, and to promote myself.

The only cure is grace. Not power, not control, but freedom and forgiveness. What did Jesus do? Jesus had all authority, but emptied himself to buy my freedom and offer me grace. I am tempted to oppose and stop and resist, to exert my power and to control others, but I am called to choose mercy and to release them.

What do I do? When the new church plant makes me feel threatened, I counter my jealousy by aiding the new work. I pray for the kingdom, not against it. When a friend backstabs me, I forgive and turn the other cheek. When I envy someone else’s undeserved popularity, I choose to love. When I am jealous of someone else’s success, I rejoice with those who rejoice. When I notice a co-worker’s selfish ambition, I use it to recognize my own mixed motives and I offer grace instead of opposition. When someone does not follow through on a commitment, I freely release him or her. I remember that our Lord taught us to pray, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”[xvi]

The strongest motivation is jealousy. The strongest temptation is control. The only cure is grace.