exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

8|submit

Submission is not a four-letter word, but it goes against our nature so much sometimes that you would think it is. Everyone has someone to submit to in some realm. Authority and submission is how God set up earthly systems. Submission is sub mission = to work under, in the name of, carrying out the wishes of, sent on behalf of, someone else. My mission becomes the mission of the one who is “over” me.

God calls for submission to authority.[i] All disciples submit to the Lordship of Christ.[ii] Wives submit to their own husbands.[iii] Children obey their parents in all things.[iv] Servants obey their masters.[v] All members are to submit to the leaders of the church.[vi] All citizens are to obey the government.[vii]

Submission means that we yield to the clear commands of an authority. But it also means that we anticipate and yield to the wishes and personality of the authority, as well. Submitting to an opinion is far more difficult than submitting to an open command. Slaves should work hard, not just when the master is watching, but carrying out the wishes of the master, as unto the Lord.[viii] We obey authorities in the church with the goal that their work will be a joy and not a burden. Our job is to make the person in authority over us shine.

Submission is only easy when you agree, or when the personality and tastes of the authority are the same as yours. Otherwise, it can be very difficult, indeed.

The matter of submission may be the most difficult matter in the American church today. Church and denominational splits are commonplace. We value individualism in our culture. So we find an independent church that believes and teaches and practices exactly what we want, and then we stay there until it no longer matches exactly, and we start looking for another church. That kind of pattern is so ingrained in us that we see it as normal. But it is not normal or right, compared to the biblical standards for the church.

understanding jurisdiction

Many conflicts in life can be solved through a simple understanding of jurisdiction. Jurisdiction is the right to speak law in an area (juris = law, diction = to speak). Court cases are assigned according to jurisdiction. Likewise, sometimes we have conflict because someone speaks or makes a decision in an area in which he or she was not given jurisdiction.

God has all authority, and He has given that authority in heaven and earth to Jesus. Therefore, we say without hesitation that Jesus is Lord. To whom has the Lord delegated jurisdiction in certain earthly areas? Husbands and fathers have jurisdiction in the family. Elders and apostles have jurisdiction in the church. Duly appointed governments have jurisdiction over nations and communities. And in business or the military, there is usually a chain of command that has been clearly delineated. When in doubt, we can trust that God works through those authorities, and we submit or appeal as is appropriate.

So, the first question to ask when a conflict arises might be this: Under whose jurisdiction is this? Every organization has a structure, sometimes formalized and sometimes not. In a church, you find out who has jurisdiction over a ministry, and you yield to that person.

People in every ministry should know to whom they report, and who has jurisdiction over that ministry. Then we simply respect one another and give them freedom to function. Open communication will solve many problems, and appealing to the authority will take care of the rest of them.

What is not appropriate in the church is for someone to usurp authority, or to presume to be a leader when it has not been acknowledged by others.[ix] The way to authority is not to claim it, but to be given it after patiently being faithful in little things along the way.[x] Jesus said that it is far better to be invited to the head table than to assume a seat there and be humiliated by being sent back down.[xi] Be faithful in little, and you will be given much. Until then, just do what God has told you to do within the confines of what the established authority in the church allows.

Some people with strong opinions will claim the ultimate trump card that “God told me to do this” as a way of skirting authority. They might even think that they are spiritually superior and judge those with legitimate authority as not being spiritual enough to deserve their submission. Such attitudes are devastating within the church, for Jesus said that any kingdom divided against itself will not stand.[xii]

In return, the responsibility of the authority is to honor those whom they oversee. The awesome task before an elder is to love and tenderly care for the flock, not to lord anything over them, as the unbelievers do.[xiii] Without this combination of submission and love, no church will survive for long. But with this combination of mutual respect and love, the gates of hell will not prevail against the church.

 MYTH #12: Since we are all filled with the Holy Spirit, He will guide us to unity if we each simply submit to His leadership. Truly spiritual teams have Christ himself as their head, with all others having equal authority.

Every generation contemplates the ideal team, and many have tried to experiment in Spirit-led anarchy. It seems that we could overcome doctrinal differences if we truly heard only the Spirit of God on biblical matters. And it seems that we could come to agreement if all of us would prayerfully seek the Lord’s leading, and mutually submit to one another. Besides, Scripture tells us that there is no Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male or female, barbarian, Scythian, [it does not say there is no master or servant], for we are all one in Christ. So, the utopian vision is that people would submit only to the Lordship of Christ, but not to any humans. However . . .

TRUTH: Since we are all filled with the Holy Spirit, we will follow what the Holy Spirit has written about leadership. So we will have servant leaders and joyful followers, and will recognize God-given authority.

The truth is that God always works through authority, and we cannot submit to the Lordship of Christ without also submitting to the earthly authority that He has established. The Bible has much to say about the importance of authority, and no clear examples of spiritual anarchy. The important principle is, “Do not touch my anointed ones.”[xiv]

Jesus commended the Centurion as a man of faith, because that military man seemed to understand well how authority works, and he applied it to the spiritual realm.[xv] Paul was not shy about exercising his right as an apostle to have authority.[xvi] The husband is the head of the wife, said the Holy Spirit through Paul, and that is an absolute position, not based on maturity or gifts and skills. The husband simply is the head.

We therefore submit.

Does that mean that there is no equality? In Christ, we are all equal. There is no person “more” saved than another. And power in the church has long been misused (that is dealt with in the next chapter!). In reality, those who have the power are usually corrupted by it, and their position of power becomes leverage for control and manipulation. We begin to believe our own press releases, and to think ourselves to somehow “deserve” the privileged position we have. We do not realize that it is there because we are in the power position.

I hear the hurts of so many people who are in associate positions, especially as worship leaders. The lack of respect, the power trips, the poor listening skills and tunnel vision in senior ministers are disheartening to many of my colleagues. Just as a husband needs to learn to be sensitive to listen to his wife, so senior pastors need to consciously step down from the power trip and share the authority with others. It is time for those who hold the power to learn the concept of mutual submission and respect!

This particular insight is very personal to me. I always saw myself as a team ministry kind of leader. After decades of being an associate minister, I was set aside as a church planter. After a few months, other members of the team observed that Ken gets his way most of the time, and that his opinion has more weight than other members of the team. Like the ring’s effect on Frodo, power becomes “My Precious” and takes over my motives. Abraham Lincoln said, “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” I have mostly failed.

Nonetheless, we submit to those who were put into a position of authority by God. We do this whether they are kind, and thoughtful, and spiritual, and “worthy,” or not.[xvii]

 MYTH #13: Submit to the authority, as long as you feel he or she is doing the right thing. If he is wrong, then you must obey God rather than men.

Once again, there is definite truth here. As long as an authority is doing the right thing, we can and should submit. But when that authority requires us to disobey God, we have a higher authority who says something different. Peter and John had to eventually come to this position in their famous defense before the Sanhedrin: “We must obey God rather than men.”[xviii] However . . .

TRUTH: Submission goes longer and deeper than most of us realize, and most of the matters in the church that we disagree over are in the realm of opinion, not the clear commands of God.

Notice the wording of the myth here: “as long as you feel” he or she is doing the right thing. In this model, the final authority is “what you feel,” not what the authority says. So, really, there never was any submission.

Here is a central teaching, which deserves to be inscribed on our foreheads: Submission isn’t really submission until you disagree. If I only submit when I agree with the authority, I am really only doing what I want to do. What I want just happens to be the same as what my authority wants. The test of submission is what you do when you disagree with your authority.

So, while the principle of obeying God rather than men is valid, we are far too hasty to claim it. Very seldom in the church are leaders asking us to go directly against God’s clear commands. In the case of Peter and John, they were being commanded to be silent about the resurrection of Jesus. They could not obey an order that contradicted a central truth for them and for the world. We very seldom have that level of disagreement.

MYTH #14: If I am aware of someone’s sin, but it is not a sin against me, I should inform the person who has authority over that person and let him or her decide whether or not to confront.

Knowing about jurisdiction and authority is an important factor that is often not considered in our relationships. Often, a person is carrying out the wishes or order of his or her authority. So if I have a problem with that person’s actions, maybe I should speak to that person’s overseer. Small children or professional situations would be examples. Sometimes, a person would be disciplined by his or her authority if only the authority knew about it. My responsibility is to share the information with that authority. Then the authority can decide whether or not to confront. That sure sounds reasonable. However . . .

TRUTH: If I am aware of sin in someone’s life, or a disciplinable offense, the first person I should talk to is the person who has sinned. I can go to that person and invite, encourage or even command him or her to go to the proper authority, but it is that person’s to initiate if he or she is willing.

In general, it is right to go to the person first and let him or her make it right. Exceptions might be if the person is a minor. Then, perhaps it is best to talk with his parent.

However, with adults it is best to honor the person by confronting him or her directly about what you personally witnessed. If there is action by the authority over that person (disciplinary action, for example), then it is honorable to give the person you confronted the chance to go to the authority directly, without your “squealing” on him or her.

The principle is this: I may confess my own sins, but I must not confess someone else’s sins. I may admonish my brother to go and confess his sins to the person who is in authority over him (a parent, an employer, or a government representative, for example), but I only go to the authority if my brother refuses to go himself.

Remember, we are talking about sinful behavior here, not philosophy of ministry or personal taste. We certainly will have differences over approach to a certain kind of ministry or task, and that kind of discussion is under the jurisdiction of the supervisor. But sinful behavior is a personal matter.

 MYTH #15: If I need to confront someone with whom I have a strained relationship, it is best to send a message through a mutually-trusted friend.

Sometimes when relationships are strained, we conclude that we might not get a hearing in order to be reconciled. But we know someone who will be trusted as a friend, and we can send a message, perhaps along with a gift or a note, and that will smooth the way. The Bible mentions messengers several times, saying that faithful messengers are refreshing, and unfaithful messengers are a disappointment.[xix] God himself uses messengers of angels, evangelists and prophets. However . . .

TRUTH: It is not wise to ask someone to deliver a difficult message that is not their own.

There is nothing wrong with using a messenger to send a positive message, but using a messenger is the worst way to confront someone. What happens when you are asked to be a third party, and you deliver a message that is not your own? What if you did not witness the matter of confrontation? How will you respond when you hear the other person’s side?[xx] Will you back down from the confrontation you delivered? What kind of messenger are you then?

You know how it works in junior high. If Suzy likes Johnny, she writes a note and sends it through her friend Sally, who gets the reply from Johnny and sends it back to Suzy. Sometimes Christians have fallen into this “junior high” pattern of delivering messages.

Remember Longfellow’s famous poem, “The Courtship of Miles Standish?” Miles wants to propose marriage to Priscilla Mullins, but he is too shy to ask her himself. He sends his message through a trusted friend, John Alden. Though John is a faithful messenger of Miles’ offer of marriage, Priscilla’s famous response was, “Speak for yourself, John.” He did, and she wound up marrying John, not Miles.

The other side of this coin is that if you are the messenger, you must make the message your own, or else refuse to go. If you cannot with good conscience deliver this message, then it would be wrong for you to deliver it with some disclaimer, such as, “This isn’t my opinion; I was just asked to say this.” A faithful messenger will faithfully deliver a message and not undercut it. You don’t want to be a John Alden. That will only bring about more problems.

Here is a measurement of your faithfulness as a messenger: Do you say the same thing behind someone’s back as to his or her face? If not, you are being an unfaithful messenger, a hypocrite who wrongs both parties. Ask yourself while talking to anyone about someone else’s complaint, “If that other person were here, would I be saying these exact same words, or even listening to these words being spoken?” If not, then immediately repent and stop.

Remember, If it’s worth talking about, it’s worth talking to the right person. And if it’s not worth talking to the right person about it, then it’s not worth talking about at all.

There is a time to use a mediator, and sometimes having someone arbitrate a matter can help both parties come to peace.[xxi] Something as simple as flipping a coin can settle a matter and keep strong opponents apart.[xxii] In other words, if someone outside of our dispute will make a decision and both of us will agree to abide by it as if it were the Lord’s decision, then either of us will be willing to lose.

When and how to use a mediator: According to 1 Corinthians 6, if there is a serious disagreement between two Christians, then they should mutually decide on someone whose reputation for wisdom both of them trust, rather than going to a secular court to decide on justice. That mediator hears both sides, in the presence of both parties. Both parties in the matter allow the mediator to set the ground rules, and they each decide in advance to abide by whatever that mediator concludes. Then they each let it go and love one another.

Question: Which is better: To win a judgment in a lawsuit, or to be wronged and cheated? Paul’s strong advice is that it is better to be wronged or cheated than it is to fight and dispute, especially in the eyes of the world (such as in a lawsuit).[xxiii] After all, that was Jesus’ final tactic; he was wronged and he allowed it to happen.[xxiv]

loyalty + submission: the principles

Let’s summarize the last two chapters in cartoon form:

Two people are different.

Something comes between them, and it doesn’t seem to be going away as you talk.

How do we resolve this matter?

You can go to other people, and bring your friend “the voice of the people.” That is a wrong method, unless it is a last step in the discipline process and all those people are witnesses and are present.

You can go to the authority over that person and have the authority call your friend to account. That is right in some cases, but not most.

You can go to a mutually-trusted friend and have that person deliver a softer reconciliation message. That is almost always wrong, because it is not good to have someone deliver a message that is not their own.

Or…

You can break down that wall yourself and make things right between the two of you. It almost always begins with repentance on your part.

case study: the Pharisees

In Matthew 12, we find several little clues about the character of our Lord and of the Pharisees, and how they dealt with conflict. Let’s take note of who talks to whom in saying them.

One Sabbath, the Pharisees see Jesus’ disciples eating some grain as they walk through a field on the Sabbath.[xxv] (Notice, Jesus was not doing this activity). The disciples were “harvesting” on the Sabbath, and that constituted work. It was shocking behavior to the holy Pharisees.

Now, if you were offended by someone’s behavior, who would you tell? The Pharisees comment to Jesus about the behavior of his disciples. “Look! Your disciples are . . ..”[xxvi] They go to the authority to find out why his students were doing this. Jesus responds to them, “Haven’t you read . . . ?”[xxvii] He speaks directly to them in reply.

Then Jesus heals on the Sabbath. Again, the Pharisees are offended, this time by Jesus himself. Who do they talk to? Each other. They plot how they might kill Jesus.[xxviii]

A sure sign of bad relationships is when we find ourselves grouping to discuss among ourselves what we would not dare to reveal to the person about whom we are talking. Even though we are not plotting murder, we are most likely not planning something good. (Of course, I’m not saying you can never gather to plan a pleasant surprise for someone.)

Then Jesus heals a demon-possessed man. They start to wonder where he gets his authority over evil, and whom do they talk to? They say to the people that his power must come from the prince of demons.[xxix] They spread rumors rather than talk directly to Jesus. Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them an answer about spiritual power and authority. He even calls them a brood of vipers, but notice that our Lord says it to them.[xxx]

Let us learn this lesson from the cowardice and malice of the Pharisees, compared to the integrity of Jesus: When having a conflict with someone, the temptation is to start talking about that person to others. It is the cowardly way to disagree. But Jesus spoke to the party in question, even when his words were harsh and direct.