exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

7|loyalty

Small towns are great places to grow up. Everyone knows everyone there. You sit on the front porch and greet one another by name. You nod and wave to strangers who drive by, assuming they are probably someone’s relative or a new friend you haven’t met yet. Small towns are often called sleepy (ever hear of a sleepy large city?) because at night there is little activity, and you seldom hear sirens in the streets. The kids don’t get in trouble, because they cannot hide behind their anonymity.

Small towns may be great places to grow up, but there’s a dark side to a small town. Anyone who has grown up in one knows what it is. It is the rumor mill. Everyone’s business is everyone’s business in a small group of people, and anyone who deviates from the norm gets singled out and talked about. We only care about people enough to know their business, not to keep their confidence. So we talk to our best friends about our acquaintances, and after years of such behavior, we become blind and deaf to the ugly noise of our gossip.

Most churches function just like small towns. The church becomes an extended family over the years, filled with love toward the insiders, an unspoken distrust of outsiders, and control by peer pressure. Everyone’s business becomes our business, and no confidences are protected. Or, rather, we think we are protecting confidences, because the only person we told was our one closest friend, and we said it “in confidence,” so that our friend could “pray” for the “situation.”

The local saw mill in this small town may have shut down a century ago, but the rumor mill is still working full tilt. And because it is all we know, we are deaf and blind to the back door slamming shut on relationships as people leave the edge of our little cloister. We must find a new way to do relationships if we are ever going to be the beautiful bride that Christ gave his life to win.

 MYTH #10: If you feel that you need to confront someone about something, it is wise to consult with one or two trusted friends first. They will confirm your perspective and give you advice on strategy and approach.

This myth is very common, and may be the most often-used practice in the church today. The Bible, after all, says many advisors make victory sure.[i] It also says that at the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter should be established.[ii] Therefore, it only seems reasonable to seek the perspective of someone before you have a difficult conversation. However . . .

TRUTH: If you feel that you need to confront someone about something, do so in secret first, just between the two of you. Involving others is gossip or slander.

While it may seem wise to seek counsel before confronting someone, it is not what Jesus said we should do. Jesus said to go alone and to work things out “just between the two of you.”[iii] That means we honor the person that we will talk to by giving no hint of a lack of support in front of anyone else, but going quickly to that person individually.

In fact, I think the devil uses this very practice of seeking confirmation to drive wedges between people. If I talk to you about the problem I have with Bob, “just to clarify whether I am thinking right about this,” in reality I have gossiped about Bob to you. If, after I have told you about my problem with Bob, I go to Bob and he repents, or I am fully resolved, but you weren’t there to see the resolution, the repentance or the reconciliation, then you are left with a bad image of “secret” information about Bob. If you are a true friend, the information dies there with you. But now perhaps you yourself are concerned about my situation with Bob. So you also tell one or two close trusted friends about it, “so that we can pray for them.”

You see what’s happening, don’t you? Bob’s reputation is being brought down in the eyes of people who originally had nothing to do with my problem.

What’s more, if I told you about ways that Bob had offended me and you are my good friend, you will most likely, having heard only my side of the story, take my side, perhaps becoming offended on my behalf. Now you are angry toward Bob. Then I go and talk with him and things are cleared up between Bob and me, but you didn’t hear that conversation. In fact, having never heard Bob’s side of the story and having never heard Bob’s apology, you might still be carrying ill feelings toward Bob long after I have forgiven him.

the “one flesh” clause?

I used to think it was okay for husbands to come home and tell their wives about what happened at “the meeting.” You know, there are certain decisions or pieces of news that sit very heavy on your heart. Anyone who has been in ministry knows what I am talking about. Stories come up every week in staff or elders’ meetings. Some are easy to keep secret, but some just eat at you and you feel like you have to process it with someone. So I wanted to tell my wife. I used the “one flesh” clause to justify unloading on her.[iv]

Telling Ellen those emotionally-heavy stories was therapeutic for me, and I reminded Ellen to keep this confidential just between her and me. So I thought it was not bad to share.

Those stories weighed on Ellen, but she did not “officially” know about them. She was left out of the healing process, and could not see the resolution. She had a tainted view of the situation, which remained long after it was resolved.

So Ellen and I covenanted together that if she asked about “how the meeting went” and there was some piece of information that I could not tell her, she would not keep asking me, knowing that I was protecting her for her own good.

tasty morsels

The truth is, our hearts deceive us into thinking that we are “concerned” for these, our brothers and sisters. But something deep inside us wants to see someone else a little smaller in our eyes. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels,[v] and we gobble them up. And so when we hear some news about a “problem,” we sometimes relish it in our deepest recesses. Then we want to tell someone else. We convince ourselves that we are “concerned” and want to “pray” for that person.

None of us think of ourselves as slanderers or gossips, but in truth most of us are. Slander and gossip occur in the church when I allow something to interrupt the love between myself and a brother or sister. My tidbit of news will bring that person’s reputation down a notch. Somehow it feels good to my flesh to want to share it with someone else. “Did you hear that so-and-so has done this-and-that?” I ask, with a mask of self-righteousness. “We need to pray about it.”

Something in my twisted soul sees this as bringing myself up a notch. And I have, by sharing this secret thing, bound myself to someone else, and hopefully that person will be loyal to me in return, as long as I keep the pipeline open.

 slander and gossip

What is slander, and what is gossip? Slander is sharing negative truth about someone with someone who is not part of the solution. It is defaming the name of someone else by telling an uncomplimentary detail with someone else. For our purposes, we’ll define gossip as sharing something to which I am not an eyewitness. When I hear slander about someone, and then I share it with someone else, it has become gossip, because I cannot verify that it is true.

Gossip and slander are two of the greatest enemies of the church today. But they are symptoms, not the cause. The root cause behind the heinous behavior of gossip and slander is lack of love for the victims of our talk. You can control your tongue for a season, but if you do not love, sooner or later that attitude will leak out in your conversation at a time when your guard is down. Love is the more excellent way,[vi] for love covers over a multitude of sins.[vii] Did you catch that? Love will not only forgive and forget, but will cover over the sins of a friend; and not just a few sins, but a multitude of them.

Once you know something in confidence, it is extremely difficult to keep it completely confidential. You know something that was tasty to you. Since knowledge is power, you want to show that you have power by sharing it, while still appearing to be holy. In truth, almost no one sees himself or herself as a gossip or a slanderer, but almost all of us are!

There is a time to seek counsel and ask for advice about relationships, but it is only a fraction of the time that we think it is. In our culture, slander and backbiting are accepted as normal daily reality (watch all the reality shows on TV and you will see it), and tasty morsels go down into the inmost parts. The Bible warns against women (who tend to be more relationally-oriented) who go from house to house spreading rumors.[viii] Today, through modern technology, negative tidbits can spread more quickly than ever. We must especially be on guard against the temptation to share anything negative about someone, unless the person we are talking to is part of the solution.[ix]

Some of us have shy personalities and we put up with things longer than most. Others of us have confrontational personalities, and we don’t think twice (which is exactly the problem!) about bringing up problems with anyone. In both cases, we need to subsume our natural personalities to submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit. It is not easy sometimes to know if we have the right motive. Whether or not it is the Lord telling us that it is time to talk to someone is tough because our own voice is louder than the Spirit’s, sometimes. But love and prayer are essential.

So, how do we properly confront someone? Here are four important factors to remember:

1) Talk to the right person. Never talk behind the person’s back. Everyone should be able to trust their reputation to us.

2) Talk at the right time. Ask the person for permission before you confront him or her: “Would you like some advice?” If you are not given permission, then think twice about saying anything. A word spoken at the right time is like apples of gold in settings of silver.[x]

3) Talk with the right motive. Speak the truth in love.[xi] Look at your life and ask the Lord to reveal blind spots. It may require that you confess to the plank in your eye first, and that you have removed it before you confront someone else about the speck in his eye.[xii] And even if you don’t already have the particular weakness that you have found in another, watch yourself, lest pride cause you to fall prey to the same temptation.[xiii]

4) Use the right words. Pray about the matter carefully and use word pictures to describe what you are talking about. Couch your comments in “I feel” statements rather than “You are” statements. Start with positive encouragements. Let the finding of proper wording be a life-long hobby for you, so that your occasional confrontations are not more painful than they need be.

Some of us have the spiritual gift of encouragement.[xiv] We want to befriend and support everyone, give everyone the benefit of a doubt, show them all mercy. But when misused and out of balance, we can wind up being fearers of men, people pleasers who always say yes to someone’s face. But you can’t always say yes.

Many times I smile and nod and agree with someone, giving (or implying) support and assent. Then I talk with someone with a very different opinion, and I do the same thing. Both friends walk away assuming I am “on their side.” Sooner or later, fear of man will prove to be a snare.[xv] I can’t have it both ways; there is a fine line between being an encourager and being a person who lacks integrity.

Better to be like Sir Thomas More, who was a man for all seasons. He was a judge who would not endorse the personal actions of Henry VIII of England , and he would not compromise though it cost him his life. I want desperately to have all people speak well of me, but it is simply not always possible. Jesus said woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how they treated the false prophets.[xvi] It is only false prophets who tell people what their itching ears want to hear.[xvii] True prophets are people for all seasons.

case study: Absalom

Absalom was a son of David, the king of Israel . David was probably the greatest of the kings of Israel , and he had been given a covenantal promise from the Lord that one of his sons would always be on the throne.[xviii] So Absalom was one of seventy or more sons who had been born of David’s many wives into power and privilege. What’s more, Absalom was unusually handsome (and we all know how human it is to reward good looks).[xix] Absalom definitely grew up with a certain sense of manifest destiny.

Among all of these half brothers and sisters was dysfunction and intrigue, and to make a long story short, Absalom murdered one of his half brothers for defiling his sister.[xx] David’s heart went out to Absalom, and yet he refused to see his son for five long years. What did Absalom think about his relationship with his father during that time? What’s more, where had David been while all of his children were bickering and sinning and raping? Very possibly, Absalom held bitterness toward his father for neglecting to be involved enough in his family and for failing to step in to bring judgment on the sins of his son Amnon.

In any case, Absalom was a time bomb ready to blow.

Absalom bought a chariot and horses and hired fifty footmen to run ahead of him.[xxi] He had a thick head of hair that was unusually handsome. Talk about dressing for success! People would naturally be drawn to follow a man like this. Absalom had carefully honed an image of power.

He was diligent, too. He woke up early every morning and went to the gate of the city, where people would come to bring their case before the king for judgment. As son of the king and possible heir to the throne, it was reasonable that the prince would be there to help lighten the caseload for the king and to train in being a judge. But Absalom was there to work the crowd, not to help with the load. He was personable and thorough. He would ask where each person was from (and probably keep good records of their answers for his future purposes).[xxii]

Why did Absalom work so hard at his image and his people skills? Not to serve the people, but to advance himself, in opposition to his father, the anointed king.

As Absalom worked the crowd like a politician, kissing babies and listening to peoples’ stories, he would hear their case to be brought before the king. They are waiting in line to talk with the king, and Absalom knows what the king will probably say and what the laws are. But when you are a people pleaser who is out to win the hearts of the people, your only goal is to win their hearts for yourself. So whatever their story, Absalom’s reply would be the same: “You really have a strong case here! Too bad the king isn’t here to hear you.” Then, wistfully, almost under his breath, he would say, “If only I were the judge, I could help when people come to me with a problem.” Sound like a politician?

The cherry on top of this delectable dessert is the image of humility that he adds. At this point in the conversation, people are big fans of the great and kind Absalom, who has done absolutely nothing for them except to win their hearts. They bow before him, and he refuses to accept their adoration. Instead, he takes them by the hand (after letting them start to bow, no doubt) and embraces them.[xxiii]

He looks good, he works hard, he listens well, and he exudes humility. What more could we want in a king? After four years of this practice, Absalom has won the hearts of enough people in enough tribes to carry out the rebellion that has been in his heart for many years.

As he begins the coup that he has planned for all this time, Absalom feigns submission to the king and reverence toward God. He has spoken very little with his father for some time, no doubt, but today he seeks permission from his father to go to nearby Hebron and “offer a sacrifice to the Lord to fulfill a vow.”[xxiv] And while there, the rebellion surfaces as he raises an army and declares himself to be king.

 Absalom today

Does the spirit of Absalom live in the church today? It certainly does, and many of us are blind to it, while living with its brutal fallout. Young associates in ministry see the flaws of a senior pastor’s ministry, and they subtly plan for their own elevation to the position of influence. Employees who are subordinates of administrators work the office to vote for them when the time is ripe. Elders who were at one time called into ministry have strong opinions about how a preacher’s priorities should be set, and secretly fantasize about the congregation ousting the current preacher and setting them in his place.

Small acts of subversion, undercutting the credibility of the one in authority, take place every day. Often, it takes the passive form of offering a sympathetic ear to those who complain. For years, the modern-day Absaloms listen to complaints from the saints, until finally they are emboldened to speak out. “Something must be done about all of this injustice! I, the humble servant of Christ, am called to rescue the disheartened.” And the rebellion that took place years ago finally comes to the surface.

A motive of fear will magnify the urgency of undercutting and rebellion. There are many things that a Person Not Quite in Power might fear: that attendance at church is going down, that finances are falling short, that this job or this program will fail, of rejection from those who came to you wanting you to make a change, of losing a friend. A spirit of fear will cause a person to justify their disloyalty in the name of rescuing what they fear they might lose.

Note this: Absalom may pretend that he has a just cause. He may honestly believe it about himself. But he has done it all wrong, and he is only undermining God’s work by his selfish ambition.

The great conductor and composer Leonard Bernstein was once asked for his opinion on the most difficult instrument in the orchestra to play. His answer: Second fiddle. It could well be that the most difficult position in the church is associate minister. Or a minister’s wife. It can wear down a person who has the gift of leadership to have to be loyal to someone else’s dream.

I spent more than 25 years as a worship associate, working with six different senior ministers over those years. Every one of those men was a sincere man of God, but every one (of course) had weaknesses. (No one can be superman with all of the gifts.) One of my greatest challenges was to find the balance between being a leader in the church and not being subversive of his leadership. If my vision was not exactly in line with that of the senior minister, I could find myself leading a counter movement within the church. I found that I needed to write the word “Loyalty” on my forehead and remind myself of it every day.

It is so easy to find yourself collecting stories of discontent from trusted friends in the church, or delivering someone else’s messages of complaint, thinking you are a peacemaker, blind to the rebellion that you are planting. It is easy to nurse a spirit of rebellion just by listening to mutinous ideas. Absalom’s spirit is nearly invisible, for we like to think of ourselves as being the same as our public image, but selfish ambition will eventually stink to high heaven.

MYTH #11: If someone comes to me talking negatively about someone else, I should politely listen and then give them the advice to talk to that person directly, offering to go with them if they wish.

As with the other myths, this seems reasonable, and is the natural response of a “nice” Christian person. I respect the person who has confided in me, and I am also steering that person in the right direction to resolve matters with a brother or sister. Furthermore, I am not leaving them alone in that journey, but offering to help out by going along to be a witness or a support. My motive is love and respect for all parties. However . . .

TRUTH: If someone comes and begins talking about another person, I should interrupt and ask, “Are you telling me this so that I can go with you?” If not, then tell your friend to talk directly with the other person before they involve you, and move on to another topic.

It is very difficult for some of us to be firm. We want to be respected, and, frankly, not to become victims of the next rumor ourselves. Besides, knowing inside information, especially negative, secret information has a certain bonding affect, because secrets bind hearts together. This phenomenon causes us to be “polite” and listen empathetically; even when we recognize that what we are hearing is slander or gossip.

Our Lord calls us to love one another. Catch this twist now: That means we need to love and respect the person who is not there as much as we love and respect the person who is talking.[xxv] So, the proper response is to defend that person behind his or her back, just as you might do for a dearly loved family member.

People would not come to you with negative words if they knew that you wouldn’t listen. And that’s just the problem, isn’t it? If I stood up to this direction of conversation right now, I will be left out of that juicy tidbit of information next time. And those tidbits are dainty morsels, indeed!

Offering help is a very positive thing. But that help should come as the second step in reconciliation, not the first. So, firmly and directly, but lovingly we need to direct the person to go and reconcile with their brother or sister first. You should become involved only if that attempt was not successful, and even then only if you are a witness. There is no sense in your coming to “gang up” on someone if you were not a witness to the wrong that was done. “At the mouth of two or three witnesses every matter will be established” is the biblical norm. Not at the testimony of two or three friends, but two or three witnesses.[xxvi]

Here is the formula for communication that we will insist on in the Lord: if it is important enough to talk about, it’s important enough to talk to the right person. If it is not important enough to talk to the right person, it’s not important enough to talk about. Quite often when someone is challenged to go directly to the person, his or her response will be, “But it’s not really a big enough deal to do that.” Well, if it’s not a big enough deal to talk to the right person, then it’s not a big enough deal to talk about at all! And if it’s big enough that you have to talk about it, then talk to the right person first!

 case study: David and Mephibosheth

The friendship of Jonathan and David is a beautiful picture of loyalty that lasted for a lifetime. Jonathan was the king’s son. David would be the one to sit in the place of power that Jonathan might have eventually held. Yet he made a covenant of loyalty with his friend, and risked his life for David.

On David’s side, he promised Jonathan that he would be kind to Jonathan’s family after he came to power. Circumstances beyond David’s control had wiped out most of Saul’s family, except for a crippled grandson named Mephibosheth. When David learned of Mephibosheth, he took him into his palace to live there for the rest of his life.

When Absalom rebelled, David fled Jerusalem . As everyone was hastily moving out, it was not clear whether David would be king anymore. It was one of those moments that test the loyalty of a friend. People take risks at such moments, deciding which side to take in anticipation of which will win out in the end.

David has left the city with his entourage. Mephibosheth’s servant Ziba catches up, laden with gifts for David and his company. “And where is Mephibosheth?” the king asks him. Ziba replies that Mephibosheth stayed in Jerusalem , saying, “Today I will get back the kingdom of my grandfather Saul.” David says, “Since that’s the case, I give you everything Mephibosheth owns.” Assuming David will return as king, his promise to Mephibosheth is cancelled and Ziba wins all.

After the rebellion has been put down, David returns as king to Jerusalem . Who should arrive but Mephibosheth, bowing before him. He had not washed his feet or clothes nor trimmed his beard since the day David had left Jerusalem . The king asks, “Why did you not come with me?” Mephibosheth replies, “My servant Ziba deceived me. I told him to saddle up my donkey (for as you know I am crippled), and he loaded the donkey and left without me.”

Someone here has slandered, someone has betrayed, someone has lied. Who is it? Ziba came with gifts and seemed so loyal, his story made sense, and he certainly was on David’s side. But Mephibosheth had clearly by his appearance mourned the whole while that David was gone, and was faithful to him in his absence.

Now David has promised Ziba the entire estate of Mephibosheth; can he take it back and give it once again to the original owner? David decides to split the estate evenly between Mephibosheth and Ziba. And Mephibosheth offers to let Ziba keep it all, as long as he can continue to live there with David. Like the two women in Solomon’s time who claimed the same baby, we can sometimes reveal the innocent party by which one is willing to give up the reward. But when there are conflicting stories, we might not ever be able to know for certain which one is true.

The point to all of this, for our purposes, is this: be a loyal friend to those who can reward you, but also be loyal to the friend who has nothing to offer you. And always speak the truth; you never know when your lie will come back to bite you.

Loyalty. Let the church overflow with it. Members who stay with the church through turbulent times. Friends who are faithful behind their friends’ back. People who confront directly and privately, and only when necessary. Fewer Absaloms. Fewer Pharisees. More Jonathans. More Mephibosheths. Friends who prove their love every day.