exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

4|risk

 Are there dangers to this kind of community I am describing here? There certainly are. Churches are made up of people, and people are flawed and sinful. There are dangers of cult-like control over people. There are also dangers of betrayal of trust. Can even these serious dangers be fixed by following God’s principles for healthy relationships? Can we check one another through mutual accountability and genuine love?

MYTH #5: It’s well and good to be generous and to be united, but be careful. There is great risk in letting people get too close. You will get burned, and God wants you safe.

It happens too often to simply ignore it; you let a stranger into your home, and you get robbed. You get close to someone and trust her with confidential information about yourself, and you are betrayed. You join in with some radical group that shares a common purse, and someone extorts the money, or it falls apart, leaving you with nothing. America was founded on the ideals of personal property, the pursuit of happiness, competitive free enterprise, and individual rights. If you play with fire, you will only be burned. However . . .

TRUTH: Jesus and the early church seemed to model a lifestyle far more radical than we envision. Their unity included risk and vulnerability.

What kind of unity are we called to have? Jesus prayed that our unity would be like that of the Godhead Himself. Just as the Father and the Son are one, so Jesus prayed that His followers would be one. We are to emulate the relationship of the Triune God, which is three and yet one. So we, being many, are to be one.

It is time for us to share more in our community. As Billy Sprague challenges us in song, why do 84 families own 84 lawnmowers? Can we not find ways to begin sharing tools and equipment, transportation, yards, resources and talents? Can we find ways to live “in community,” not too much unlike those who have lived in monastic communities? Can we call one another brother and sister and share all things in common? It has been done in the early church, and it has been done by different groups through history. It can be done today.

Such a high level of sharing seems to go against our American ideals of individualism. But it might be just what God is calling some of us to do today. Imagine the improved stewardship when we share resources! Imagine the unity we can demonstrate when we share housing! Some who live in community with one another even make a lifelong commitment or vow to one another, so that they will stay together even when the going gets rough. Whatever the level God might call you to take, consider the benefits of risking love.

 case study: love story

Does God understand the risks of love? The life of Hosea serves as one witness to say that he does. The Lord told Hosea to go and marry Gomer, a prostitute, so that some of her children would be from other men. His life would serve as an illustration of the Lord’s pain at having his children commit the vilest adultery by worshiping other gods.

Imagine actually living through Hosea’s situation. Gomer was faithful and living with him one day, and then gone the next. Those who have lived through marriages with unfaithful partners know pain the rest of us can only imagine. Her behavior was what most people today refer to as “scriptural grounds” for a divorce. Yet God told Hosea to go buy his wife back from another man and “show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress.”[i]

Of course, Hosea’s pain was a picture of God’s own pain. This whole story, if put into a movie, would be both heartbreaking and beautiful to us. We would wonder, “Why chase her down? She is obviously not choosing to come back and not going to repent. You have good reason to give her up.” But that was exactly what the Lord himself was experiencing.

Of course, the Lord’s own hurt goes way beyond the rejection of Hosea’s generation. Through Hosea he says, “Like Adam, they have broken the covenant.”[ii] God started with one man, and that man broke the covenant. Of Adam’s offspring, one son killed another one. In the days of Noah, “The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.”[iii] Then, out of all of the corrupt nations on earth, God showed his love to one man, Abraham, and to the nation that came from him, Israel . Yet in the days of Moses, he threatened to destroy all of them.[iv] He later said, “All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinate people.”[v] Certainly, God’s pain runs long and deep. You wonder why he bothered, knowing what it would cost him.

The Lord’s goal was to make for himself a bride, beautiful, without spot or blemish, with whom he could have intimate fellowship forever. But true love must be two-way, so he created beings with free will. And his greatest fear, if he has any fear, came true when that free will was used to reject him.[vi]

Jesus also risked it all for love, and lost. He was equal with God, yet came to be a servant and to die, all for the very ones who rejected him.[vii] For the joy that was set before him (of union with his bride), he endured the cross.[viii] Our Lord chose twelve men to be with him, and he entrusted his future bride in their hands, yet on his last night one betrayed him, another denied him (though claiming faithfulness to the death), and all the rest ran away.

And so Jesus died alone. Yet even as he hung stretched between heaven and earth, forsaken by even his Father, Jesus prayed that his tormentors would be forgiven, showed mercy to a repentant thief, took care of his mother and friend (and put them together in family, you might note), and so finished his work.

The followers of Jesus have similarly risked loving people and have been disappointed with rejection. Paul was flogged, beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked, jailed, and constantly in danger. He labored and toiled and often went without sleep. Why did he do all that? Because, as he said, “I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.”[ix] He said, “So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well. If I love you more, will you love me less?”[x] Yet for all of Paul’s sacrifices, near the end of his life, he writes, “no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me.”[xi] He risked it all, and was often burned.

Hardly seems worth it, doesn’t it? Wouldn’t all that hurt and pain and rejection cause you to pull back, to shut down, to live within your shell and avoid the risk of contact with people? But it’s all about relationships. Without people, there can be no love, no joy of reconciliation, and no family.

Love brings risk. Risk brings hurt. Hurt brings fear. Yet, perfect love casts out fear.[xii]

risking love

It has been a few years now, but telling the story still brings tears to my eyes. My dear friend Mark has played guitar on the worship team for a long time now. He bought his guitar back in the days before Christ from a guy who needed a quick $25 for marijuana. Mark learned to play on that guitar, and it had served him well through his conversion and into service for the Lord.

Mark worked in landscaping for years. As a result, his hands were calloused and becoming increasingly gnarled from years of hard work. The narrow neck of his guitar was getting harder for him to play cleanly. Since it was of great sentimental value, he didn’t want to give it up. Besides, he couldn’t afford a better one. So every week he faithfully played his best on his old Yamaha.

I felt impressed by the Lord to personally buy Mark a better guitar and to surprise him with it. He had a mission trip to Ukraine coming up, and before he left, I felt led to say, “Mark, I believe the Lord wants you to give away your guitar on this trip.” He took my word seriously and said he would pray about it. And off he went.

I had been trying for months to save up money for Mark. I had a guitar in mind that would be around $1000, but I only had about $400 saved. Now that Mark was gone on the trip, I only had a couple of weeks to get the rest of the money. I had felt God’s leading to take this risk, but it was coming down to the wire.

I had really wanted it to be an anonymous gift, coming from God to Mark, so I had carefully kept it a secret from everyone but Ellen, my wife. We were committed not to borrow money for this project, but to let God provide, for the sake of his glory. But God was not providing the funds yet.

Friday morning, the day before Mark was to return, I asked the other elders at the church to join me in praying that God would be glorified by providing this guitar. Their immediate response was, “Why didn’t you tell us about this? That plan is from God, and you weren’t going to let us in on the joy of it? We’ll give and be a part of it, too!” By the next day, I had $800 and was heading to shop for a guitar.

I wanted to visit Stan’s store first. Stan was a Christian brother running a little store in his spare time, trying to keep his head above water against the huge new mega-music stores that had moved into the area. He probably couldn’t give me as good a price as those national franchises, but if this was God’s project, I would go to a trusted brother first. I told him what I wanted and asked him to show me what he had. I didn’t tell him how much money I had; I just told him that though I wanted a good price, I also wanted to be fair to him.

Stan pulled the most beautiful guitar in the store off its hook. I saw the $2200 price tag and thought, “Well, this will at least provide a standard by which to measure the others.” It was perfect. Wide neck, rich tone, exquisite design.

I asked Stan how much he wanted for it. He said “How about $800?” I said, “Brother, that’s exactly the amount that I have to spend, but this is such a fine guitar. I need to do right by you.”

He said, “Man, let me tell you something. It blows me away that you’re here. It’s Saturday afternoon, and I close in about an hour. Monday morning I have to pay two bills or I lose the store. I have been praying that somehow God will let me sell something for $800. This is a God thing, and I want you to let me do this for your friend.” He gave me a free case, picks, sets of strings and a strap to go with it. God had provided in his good timing, after all.

I went to rehearsal that evening and set the guitar in its case in the corner of the room. I planned to casually say, “Oh, by the way, God gave you a guitar. It’s over there in the corner. Let’s play.” And then watch as Mark received this overwhelming gift of love as from God himself.

And right on time, as always, there was faithful Mark, with no guitar in hand. He had come to rehearsal by faith, with nothing to play.

He couldn’t wait to tell me his story. After he had arrived in Ukraine , he said that Sergei came out to meet him and serve as his translator. Mark said he felt a strong impression from the Lord to give his guitar to that young man. But it was early in the trip, and he needed confirmation. The longer the trip went, the clearer his leading became.

Finally, on the last day, before he left, Sergei told Mark that he was learning to play guitar so that he could lead worship for his small group. Sergei said that a brother was working to glue together a guitar for him. There was Mark’s confirmation. He sat down and told Sergei that the Lord had instructed him to give him his guitar. That old Yamaha was worth a fortune to that young man in an economically depressed country, but its sentimental value to Mark was perhaps even greater. Mark gave him the guitar, the case, some extra strings and picks, prayed with the young Ukrainian brother, and the two of them cried together at such a beautiful moment. Mark was blessed to have given so sacrificially to someone who would cherish his gift so much.

I heard Mark’s story and then tried my casual “There’s your guitar from God” approach. Mark opened the case, and was overwhelmed. I told him it was not from me, it was from God, and many people had been involved in it. But Mark stood and faced me, put a hand on each of my shoulders, and looked me in the eye as he said, “But I know that if not for you, this would not have happened. This is a far better guitar than I will ever be a guitarist. I want you to know, I will never, never forget this.” We embraced and wept together at the goodness of God.

Strangely, there is another part to the story that overwhelmed me the most. A week after the guitar incident, I was asking Mark for advice about what kind of grass to get for bare spots in a shady area of my lawn. With his background in horticulture, he gave me some advice, and we went on with rehearsal.

The next week after church I got in my van and found a paper lunch bag on the seat. It was full, with the top folded over and stapled shut. No note or word exchanged. When I got home I opened the bag and found it full of grass seed. Mark had done more than give advice; he had remembered and supplied my need out of his supply.

I stood by myself in my living room and sobbed. I said out loud to God, “It’s too much, Lord. It’s too much, and I’m scared. I’m becoming too interdependent with others. Thank you for it, but it’s frightening.” I had the image in my mind of standing in an embrace, with both of us walking backwards with our feet until we were leaning so hard on each other that we couldn’t let go without hurting us both. And I realized that love involves great risk.

Take courage! Life is made up of relationships, and relationships are messy. But relationships are all we have. God himself has invested heavily in order to have a relationship with us, and He has often been burned, holding out his hands all day long, sorry that he ever created humankind, ready to wipe out an entire nation. All of history is filled with the story of God’s attempt to be in relationship with people, and people’s selfish rebellion against His love. And yet . . .

And yet, God chose the risk. Such is love. And love is worth any cost to the One who showed us its meaning.