exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

3|love

 In a book about relationships, it is a temptation to start making a list of right and wrong behavior toward one another. Behavior cannot be dictated by a list of do’s and don’ts. Law cannot change the heart. So before we go any further in talking about our outward behavior, let’s have a heart checkup. The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.

Let me be more personal. If I do not love God with all of my heart, then I will spend my time focused on the honors that I think I deserve. The natural fruit that will result in my life is jealousy, competitiveness, and hurt feelings (either in myself or in someone I offend). If I do not love my neighbor as myself, I will not be protecting him behind his back. What I harbor in my heart will come out of my mouth. If I have not forgiven my sister from the heart, things like bitterness, backstabbing, bursts of anger and arguments will result. The tongue sooner or later shows what is in the heart. So the heart of the matter is the matter of my heart, and not just the tongue.

The church in the city of Corinth was a poster child for bad relationships in a church. Though they were not lacking in any spiritual gift (a “Spirit-filled church”), they were deeply dysfunctional in their relationships.

There were divisions in that church from the beginning, as some were converted through the influence of different apostles. They tolerated open sin in their midst and did not confront when they should have. When they came together for the so-called love feast, further divisions came to the surface, as people were not sharing their food or waiting for one another before they started. The church seemed to be marked by division. Paul wrote to them, “I am afraid that I will find quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfishness, backstabbing, gossip, conceit, and disorderly behavior.”[i] That’s quite a list of shame! And it comes from a heart-sickness of self-interest. To borrow from his advice to the Galatians, “If you keep on biting and devouring one another, watch out or you will be destroyed by one another.”[ii]

Those eight negative qualities that marked the church in Corinth are the opposite of what Jesus said were marks of a “blessed” life. Those who are poor in spirit, who mourn, who are meek, who hunger and thirst for righteousness, who are pure in heart, who are peacemakers, and who are persecuted and lied about (without striking back) are the ones who are blessed.[iii] They are blessed because their hearts are right.

If I were making a choice, I would rather be “blessed” than to be eaten up. It all starts with a heart fully submitted to God, dying to myself and living only for His glory. Then my relationships are right, even when I am being lied about, or when I am confronting sin, or living in the midst of enemies of the gospel.

It’s all about relationships. Living in the flesh is mostly marked by damaged relationships, and the fruit of the Spirit in my life is largely marked by healthy relationships. This truth surprises me, for I tend to think about flesh and spirit as having to do with morality. But look at these lists: “The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like. . . . those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God .”[iv] Did you catch that? Clearly half of this list has to do with our relationships! Then a few verses later, Paul summarizes his instructions by saying, “Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”[v] If I avoid sexual sin but I provoke and envy my brother in Christ, I am living in the flesh and will not inherit the kingdom of God .

Conversely, life in the Spirit is marked by improved relationships. Read the list through relationship eyes: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”[vi] Where do we see this fruit demonstrated? Almost exclusively, it is in our relationships! We love people, we show joy in front of others, we make peace with one another, we are patient with others, we are kind toward others, we are good to others, we are faithful in our relationships, we are gentle toward people, and we exhibit self-control in the way we respond to others. A preacher friend of mine used to say, “You can tell what’s being carried in someone’s bucket by bumping the bucket. When we bump one another’s buckets, we see what spills out.” So if we fill our lives with the Holy Spirit, the Spirit’s fruit is what comes out when our buckets get bumped.

 MYTH #4: I must be nice to people, and to love them in the sense of being civil to them and serving them, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like them.

There is some truth here. I may not be able to control my inner feelings, but I can control my outward actions. So, though my background may have given me certain negative prejudices against folks, I can accept them and be kind to them in the name of Jesus. And those who are my enemies, or those who have committed heinous sins and crimes, I can hate the sin in them and yet treat them kindly by the grace of God. However . . .

TRUTH: Toward other believers, there is no distinction between loving them and liking them. I am commanded to have tender feelings toward everyone, especially those of the household of faith.

There are few things so clearly commanded in the Bible than to love one another. Love involves actions: we forgive, we pray for, we submit, we serve, we teach, we encourage, and we wash feet. But loving also involves feelings: we love, our love is without hypocrisy, and we are kindly affectionate. Notice that both our actions and our feelings are commanded! Can God us to feel something, as if we could turn our affections on or off? Apparently so.

John tells us that we cannot say that we love God, whom we cannot see, if we will not love our brother, whom we do see.[vii] Paul says that you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another.[viii] Jesus commanded, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”[ix] In fact, He said that all men would know that we are His disciples if we love one another.[x] Could it be that love for our brothers is the key to outreach that so many churches are missing today? The first evidence of the Spirit of God working in my life, according to the Bible, is love, for it starts the list of the fruit of the Spirit.[xi] Love is also the clearest mark of maturity.[xii]

How do you know that God is working in your life? Look first at how you feel about those whom He has redeemed.

Some of us can’t seem to love ourselves. Perhaps we were harshly criticized by parents who demanded perfection that we could never seem to deliver. Or we gave our best to a relationship and exposed our soul to someone, and we were rejected by the person whose love and acceptance was most important to us. In a misguided effort to avoid further rejection, our self-talk beats all potential critics to the punch. We are bitter toward those who rejected and hurt us, but our strange defense mechanism is to turn that bitterness on self. We punish ourselves because it would be wrong to punish someone else.

We won’t let ourselves be loved, because we deep down don’t believe anyone could truly love us. We try to live perfect lives, alternating with giving up completely on ever being good enough (and often both at the same time), but we never measure up. And then God give us that odd, self-revealing command: love your neighbor as yourself. Until we can learn to receive love, we can never really give it, either.

What to do? First, we must forgive the one who rejected us. Deep down, we must let go of the bitterness and the inner anger. Second, we must let God love us, and then allow others to love us, without disqualifying their love in our minds. Only then will we be able to love our neighbor as we love ourself.

We are also told to love the people of the world. We are not to become like them, and sometimes we are called to say difficult things to them, but even when we say those hard words like “repent” or “hell” to folks, God is holding us responsible for our motivation. We can learn much from the lesson of Jonah.

 case study: Jonah and the great city

Jonah was a prophet who followed Elisha in Israel (the northern, more rebellious, kingdom). The first time we read about Jonah,[xiii] we find that he was from Galilee, and that he was given good news for Israel : they would win back territories that had been lost. Jonah saw that God loved his chosen people Israel , even though they were doing evil in His sight, and I assume that he was glad to proclaim that they would have victory in their endeavors.

However, there is one other message that the Lord tells Jonah to deliver that goes against Jonah’s heart. Yes, the Lord has mercy on his own people, even when they do evil in His sight. But God’s love is for the world, not just for rebellious Israel . Our friend Jonah is not willing to accept how broad the love of God can be.

And so, we find our man Jonah called by God once again in the little book that bears his name. Within a few generations of Jonah’s lifetime, Assyria will cruelly overrun the northern nation of Israel , where Jonah lives, and destroy the ten northern tribes. God tells his prophet to go to the capitol city of Nineveh and announce God’s judgment against them, because they are so wicked.

Why doesn’t Jonah go? You’d think he would be glad to shout some strong judgmental words against Israel ’s enemy, this wicked and corrupt city. Our answer is found in a later chapter: Jonah is afraid that if he warns the city, they might repent, and if they repent, God will relent. Jonah knows the character of God, that He is compassionate. But Jonah doesn’t share God’s compassion. So his thinking is that if he ignores the call, Nineveh will, in fact, be destroyed.

Sometimes I sense or learn of a brother’s sin. When I do, I am sometimes faced with Jonah’s dilemma. If I confront, it may get nasty if he doesn’t repent. If I confront and he repents though, that would be wonderful. He will be healed, and it will have been worth the risk. Or, at least that is the case if I love the person. If he has made himself an enemy in some way, I may be tempted to leave him to his own devices, and let him suffer the consequences for his sin. I take the moral high road, look down on him in his suffering, and tell him then what a scum he has been. Or maybe I’m the only one who ever wanted to take that option.

Jonah is told to get up and go, so he gets up and goes—the other way. Jonah literally takes the path of running away from what he knows God is calling him to do. Of course, Jonah should know that the Lord God is the Hound of Heaven, and that a man with a call of God on his life cannot escape from the presence or the call. But, like many of us will do, Jonah tries to get away from that nagging call of God, anyway.

Remember, on the ship Jonah freely gives testimony that he worships the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. He may be out of fellowship right now, but his answer is still ready on his lips. He is Hebrew, and he worships the Lord, who is far above any of these other gods represented by the sailors.[xiv] Jonah The Reluctant Evangelist brings revival on that little ship before Jonah The Reluctant Prophet brings revival to the city.[xv]

The captain asks a valid question: “How can you sleep at a time like this?” There are two ways to sleep in a boat in the midst of a terrible storm. You can sleep as Jesus did with a clear conscience, knowing that you are in the center of God’s will, with the calm assurance that nothing will happen to you that could bring you harm before your time. That is the sleep of peace. Or, you can sleep as Jonah did. It is the sleep of depression, the sleep of denial, the sleep of escape, the sleep of self-destruction. I think that many more of us sleep through storms, trying to drown out the call of God, trying to deny the storm around us, trying to passively even destroy ourselves in the process.

Jonah The Evangelist is so intent on running that he would rather die than submit. The pagan sailors are more righteous than the prophet is, with regard to saving a life. God’s prophet is too busy trying to avoid the unavoidable One. He would rather give up right now than give in.

The Sovereign One has already made arrangements for Jonah’s disobedience. God knows that Jonah is walking in disobedience right now, but He is not surprised by his shenanigans, and he has another plan in mind. Remember, he is the God of Plan B, and he started working years ago to take care of this very moment!

There was a little fish, and the Sovereign One took care of it and raised it up, and gave it daily food and let it grow to enormous proportions and made it hungry and sent it to find a grown man underwater, wrapped in the seaweed. If the Lord can do that with a fish, He can do that with anything.

Take heart, Running Child inside me—you can’t surprise God. He already has a plan for how to get you out of this impossible situation. I take this as a promise: if I do the right thing now, it will work out, even if all seems lost. It is always right to do right, even when it seems to be wrong.

If you know the story of Jonah, you know that he repents, prays, worships and obeys by going to Nineveh . But you also know that his heart doesn’t change toward the people there. He walks through the city for three days with a simple message: “Forty days and Nineveh will be destroyed!”[xvi] Something inside of Jonah must have rejoiced in this message. It is time for these evil torturers of Israel to get their due.

Then, what every preacher longs for, (except for Jonah) happens: The people listen! The people of Nineveh , from the greatest to the least, fast and wear sackcloth and repent of their evil ways! And so Jonah’s heart is tested.

Jonah’s greatest fear is fulfilled: God sees their repentance, has mercy on them and doesn’t carry out the destruction he had threatened. That makes Jonah angry. He is angry because he doesn’t love the people of Nineveh . God uses a plant and a worm to teach Jonah a painful lesson. The prophet sees that he would rather commit suicide than to love sinful people.

Sometimes it’s easier to hang on to bitterness and to have a target for all of the rottenness inside my heart than it is to let someone change. Jonah feels more compassion toward a plant that dies than he toward more than 120,000 people who are living in spiritual darkness.

Jonah’s story is my story, you know. I hate living in the city, and sometimes feel forced to live here by God. I hate the noise, the traffic, the dirt and crime and evil there. But God’s final question for Jonah haunts me: “Shouldn’t I have compassion for such a great city?” In God’s eyes, the city, for all of its problems, is “great” in the eyes of God.

God loves people, and because of that, our Lord loves places where many people live. I would rather judge the city and the people who live there than to work for God in the midst of it. I don’t have compassion on the people there. But when I see them through the eyes of Jesus, I realize that many of them don’t even know their right hand from their left. It’s time for me to stop running from them, and to love them, in Jesus’ name.

group discussion questions