exploring how to and not to

do relationships

by ken e. read

1|one

2|family

3|love

4|risk

5|different

6|peace

7|loyalty

8|submit

9|power

10|grace

11|discipline

12|gifts

13|blessing

2|family

If we were to use one word to describe healthy relationships in the church, what would you choose? Organization? After all, we have officers, elections, business meetings, programs and budgets. That might be a good description of the modern institutionalized church, but I don’t think it would be God’s first choice. Kingdom? Household? Royal priesthood? All those are words that the Bible uses for the church. Another word that catches the spirit of the church is community. We are called to live with a certain common unity, sharing all things in common, being of one heart and mind, and building each other up as a kind of counter-cultural called-out community.

But perhaps the best word to describe the church and how it operates is family. Family is the model that Paul uses when describing how Timothy should relate to everyone in the church. Talk to older men as you would your father. Treat younger men as your brothers, older women as mothers and younger women with all purity as your own sisters.[i]

We can begin to function like a family by sharing meals together. Eating from house to house would be a step in the right direction. There is something about a meal, about open hearts and open homes, and about breaking bread together that binds people together. How often do you share meals together with someone else? How often did they share meals together in the early Jerusalem church?[ii] What can we learn from this?

 no needy persons

We can move on from there by being sure that there are no needy persons among us. As the old saying goes, “Family takes care of family.” That would be a far more challenging step. It may be impossible (or at least impractical) to get there. At the risk of inducing false guilt in the “doers” among us, let’s dream about it a bit.

My church is in an urban setting. What would it look like for us to commit to seeing that there are “no needy persons” among us?[iii] Can we alleviate all need among us? Everyone could literally wind up bankrupt if we try to help all of our members who are unemployed or in need.

Even in wealthy suburbs it requires knowing each other and being far more generous and hospitable with our goods, our money and our homes, than most churches are used to doing.

For example, what about helping the elderly, or the uninsured, or the unemployed? The cost could be great, but true religion is helping widows and fatherless in their distress.[iv]

Then there are the needy beyond our own circle. Early Christians set aside money and gave generously for believers in other cities who were in need.[v] How about disaster relief, praying for and helping the persecuted church internationally, or third world Christians living in drought conditions? A mere tithe dropped in the offering on Sunday morning pales in comparison to the kind of sacrifices that might be required of us. Paul told the Corinthians that the goal was for no one to have in abundance while others went without.[vi] He told the Galatian believers to do good to all, but especially to those who were of the household (there’s that word again!) of faith.[vii]

Family is the standard by which we should measure our generosity. When we are family, we don’t give for the tax deduction, we don’t stop to measure and count, we simply give.

effective disciple making

The most effective model for making disciples is a family. The more we do discipleship as a family, the more effective it will be in the long run.

Most active Christians are busy with church activities perhaps four or five nights a week. After youth programs, Sunday night and Wednesday night activities, sports leagues, music groups and special programs, how much time is left in that week to have people over for dinner, or to build relationships with neighbors?

If we commit to being family, we will need to know fewer people far deeper, and spend much more time living with them. Elevate a few people—maybe up to twelve—to family level, and pour yourself into them. You will be more effective as a disciple maker, and you will avoid your own burnout, when you take a few people deep.

I’m talking about something far more radical than small group ministry here. If we see people only in a group study meeting, we will cover a studied topic for that hour that we log together every week. Sometimes our lesson hits a home run. But even if it does, we have only one at bat per week.

In contrast, Jesus was with his disciples all day, every day, for three years. They watched what made Jesus angry, when He got up to pray, what He did for entertainment, how He treated irritating people and answered difficult questions, how He took time for children, what He ate and when He chose not to eat. They saw his work ethic, his compassion, how he responded when he was exhausted, how he treated those caught and trapped in sin, and how he talked to the religiously empowered. They saw him on the mountaintop and they saw him in the garden. They also heard the Sermon on the Mount, probably many times in various forms. They knew what was important to Jesus, and they absorbed his character.

Think of the implication of this truth: the Gospels are mostly filled with the actions of Jesus, not with his sermons. What does that say to us about the best way to make disciples of the nations?

If you do ministry as a family, it might not feel like as much ministry is taking place, because you are pouring yourself out for only twelve people or fewer. Compared to a ministry program that reaches hundreds of people who are touched for an hour once a week, a family-kind of ministry seems small and ineffective, doesn’t it? But I guess Jesus was more than a little effective when he concentrated on a few men, rather than the masses. His ministry was slower to mature, but turned the world upside down in the next generation.

Think in your own life about who has been the biggest influence on you. We often say that more is caught than taught in life. The same is true in the faith. We catch the most important lessons in those teachable moments, which are seldom the ones in which someone has a prepared lesson. As I once heard Howard Hendricks say, in my mentor's life, I can't tell you one lesson that he taught, but I could tell you everything he did. I came to be like my mentor as I watched his life.

Ultimately, it is the longing for every person to know and to be known. True intimacy is what we will experience in heaven. Intimacy with God. Intimacy with one another. People who know us best and love us anyway. Family. Friends, from whom no secrets are kept, and in whose care every shared secret is carefully protected. Community. A place in which there are no needy persons among us. A family into which every individual is a member. God sets the lonely in families.[viii] Has he set you in one?

disposable relationships

One of the greatest technological breakthroughs known to the family occurred in 1961, when Pampers were put on the market. I was four years old when they came out, so my mom was only able to use them for a couple of years (smile). But disposable diapers revolutionized the lives of many families. In fact, that simple invention may have heralded the greatest single change in society.

We have been through the Jet Age, the Computer age, the Technological age, and the Information Age. But perhaps the best descriptor for our society is the Disposable Age.

Disposable diapers are expensive, and they generate a lot of garbage. But they certainly are convenient, aren’t they? Change the baby and simply throw the mess away.

I really am serious when I say this era could be labeled “The Disposable Age.” We use anything until it becomes too difficult to maintain, then we throw it out and replace it. We have disposable dishes, disposable food containers, disposable computers, and more.

In business, they call it “Beyond Economical Repair,” meaning that it costs more to fix (in parts and labor) than to replace. Rather than troubleshoot and fix the tiny digital circuitry in an electronic item, it’s easier to replace it. TVs and VCRs and computers can be seen up and down the curb on every street, and cluttering every landfill in America , because something in them is “BER.”

Here’s where the problem becomes much more serious than pocketbooks and landfills: it is also are an age of Disposable Relationships, Disposable Marriages, Disposable Children, Disposable Friends and Disposable Churches. When a relationship becomes too difficult for us to maintain, we deem it “beyond economical repair” and we throw it out and move on.

If we commit to one another as family, then we commit to lifelong relationships. We renounce the option to quit, and we take each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death parts us. Family is for life. How different churches would be if all members would stay and work relationships out, rather than run when the going gets tough.

Perhaps you have heard about the man who was stranded for several years on a deserted island. When he was finally rescued, folks were wondering how he had survived by himself all those many months. He showed them his improvised survival techniques and his amazingly sophisticated inventions. On the ridge of the hill were three huts, made of logs and grass. “What are those buildings?” he was asked.

“Oh, that hut in the middle, that’s my house.”

“And what about the other hut there on the right?”

“That is my church.”

“You built a structure dedicated for worship and prayer. Impressive! What about the other hut on the left?”

“Oh, that’s my old church.”

That story makes me laugh out loud, but I fear it hits too close to home. We stay somewhere until. Until the leadership ignores my idea, or until the sermons stop feeding me, or until I am passed over for some position or privilege, or until I have a disagreement with someone and it’s too painful to go there anymore. We’d rather run than heal.

If our relationships are built on commitments like, “I am committed as long as their doctrine is correct on every point,” or “I submit as long as I am comfortable with the direction of the church,” then I would say that we are not truly submitting, and we are not really committed. Family is family, and we stay and we work it out. It is the false shepherds and the hirelings who run when the wolves come.[ix] The Good Shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.[x] How about you and me?

I have a suggestion for those of us struggling with a strained relationship: Don’t dispose . . . recycle. Jesus said to the Ephesian church, “Remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent, and do the deeds you did at first.”[xi] That’s a good plan for any relationship: Remember, repent and redo. The value of relationships is never beyond economical repair, for no cost is too much to fix a friend or family.

MYTH #3: A church is family friendly when they offer ministry to every age group.

Compassionate ministries that help to teach and equip all members are very helpful. Groups focused on men, on women, or on children have proven very effective, and often focus their ministries on making better husbands and fathers, better wives and mothers, and lead children to a saving knowledge of Christ. However . . .

TRUTH: A family-friendly ministry that divides the family, or that leads to ministry away from the family setting, is unnatural and undermines the very institution it claims to help.

Think of what happens to most families when they go in the door of the church. Each member goes off to a specialized ministry in separate parts of the building. Two hours later the family regroups at the car, having not seen one another the whole time. A more family-friendly approach would be one which keeps families together and teaches and equips them within the context of their natural relationships.

In the same way, doing ministry as a family is more natural and healthy. Open your home and invite people to share in your life. The Bible calls it hospitality, or being a lover of strangers. No gift was more honored in the early church than that of hospitality. Being a “lover of strangers” was a requirement to become an elder,[xii] and was often written of as a mark of a godly person. What happened to the emphasis? Our culture has created nursing homes, hospitals, orphanages, hotels and restaurants, which make hospitality an industry. Strangers make a living doing things that used to be done voluntarily for free.

Nonetheless, today there is still a great need for hospitality. Some single adults need a home away from home, whether it includes overnight housing or simply evenings spent in the pleasant company of close friends. We need foster parents and involved grandparents and extended families. We need established households who are willing to give radical hospitality to long-term guests. We need adult children who are willing to forego career to help take care of (“honor”) their father and mother. We need church members who gladly sell houses and lands to make funds available for those who are in need.

On a smaller scale, we need people who are willing to reach out to invest their time in high maintenance people. I know that often there is not enough energy left over at the end of the day for energy-draining folks. But if you don’t give your energy to those who are friendless, then who else will? What would Jesus do? (See Matthew 14:12-13 for a clue!)

Almost every program that has been devised could be done better in the home. If one home out of every ten would adopt a fatherless child, there would be no more orphans. If every Christian family would minister radically to just one other family each year, then in a decade the entire world would be turned upside down!

One of the highest acts of worship is hospitality, as Scriptures say: “do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.”[xiii]

 the case for hospitality-based ministry

Through hospitality, the whole family can serve together and find their greatest ministry. Of course, a family should be careful about how much exposure to high-need people each member can tolerate. You don’t want to have such an open door that you endanger or embitter your children. But the family can serve as a kind of collective witness through the way they interact with one another, and a family working together can minister grace on every level.

Single adults can also exercise hospitality. Hospitality is commanded, without specifying limitations, so it must be possible for those who are not part of a large household to be hospitable. Of course, a single adult will have to exercise caution about who would stay (married couples must also have barriers of protection). Nonetheless, one of the basic needs of every person is for a sense of belonging, and singles can work together to create their own home away from home as adults.

Hospitality should not be confused with entertainment. Entertainment might be done with an eye to impress someone, or perhaps with a goal of being invited back. But hospitality is done with selfless abandonment and gracious servanthood toward another person, with no thought for self.

Is hospitality difficult? Yes. A hospital (which is related to the word “hospitality”) has sick people who are in a “taking” mode, and those who help them must sacrifice on behalf of the needy. Is it dangerous? Yes, there is risk. Is it tempting to quit? Yes, otherwise Peter would not have had to remind us to “practice hospitality without grumbling.”[xiv] But is hospitality worth the difficulty, the risk and the temptations? Definitely.

There are many worthwhile programs that feed the poor, train parents, educate children, teach the truth, supply the needy and shelter the homeless. But none is as effective as an open home, a welcoming smile, a listening ear and a loving heart. Almost every program that has been devised could be done better in the home. If one home out of every ten would adopt a fatherless child, there would be no more orphans. If every Christian family would minister radically to just one other family each year, then in a decade the entire world would be turned upside down!

All of this and more is what it means to be given to hospitality. May the church today remember and return to a radical commitment to being family. Family. I like that word, don’t you?